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Post by Aedh on Dec 11, 2008 22:59:22 GMT -5
Not really a joke, but a good quip:
"After scolding one's cat ... one looks into his face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that he has understood every word and filed it all away for reference."
--Charlotte Gray
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Post by Aedh on Dec 14, 2008 8:46:24 GMT -5
An explorer took his wife mother-in-law on an expedition to India. Very early one morning in the deep forest, the wife awoke to find her parent gone. She rousted her husband and insisted they try to find her immediately. He picked up his rifle and off they went.
In a clearing not far away, they came upon a chilling sight; the mother-in-law standing stock still and silent, facing a ferocious Bengal tiger!
"What are we going to do?" cried the wife.
"Nothing," said the explorer. "The tiger got himself into this predicament. Let him get himself out of it."
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Post by Aedh on Dec 14, 2008 8:47:55 GMT -5
Q: When do cows go to sleep?
A: Pasture bedtime.
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Post by Libby on Dec 14, 2008 15:32:48 GMT -5
An explorer took his wife mother-in-law on an expedition to India. Very early one morning in the deep forest, the wife awoke to find her parent gone. She rousted her husband and insisted they try to find her immediately. He picked up his rifle and off they went. In a clearing not far away, they came upon a chilling sight; the mother-in-law standing stock still and silent, facing a ferocious Bengal tiger! "What are we going to do?" cried the wife. "Nothing," said the explorer. "The tiger got himself into this predicament. Let him get himself out of it." ROFLOL! The tiger wouldn't stand a chance with MY mum-in-law...she'd knit it to death!
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Post by Aedh on Dec 15, 2008 1:58:36 GMT -5
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain walruses?
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Post by Aedh on Dec 15, 2008 13:34:56 GMT -5
A woman was looking through a crowded supermarket's stock of frozen turkeys for her holiday repast, but couldn't seem to find just the right one.
She looked up from the freezer case to see a harried stockboy going by with an armload of stuff. "Young man," she said, "don't these turkeys get any bigger than this?"
"No, ma'am," he replied. "They're dead."
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Post by Aedh on Dec 31, 2008 9:35:23 GMT -5
A gang of bandits broke into a Bar Association gathering intent on robbing all the lawyers inside, put pickings were slim. After they made their escape, the robbers counted their money and one said: "Well, we weren't skunked. We have $50 between us."
The boss yelled: "We had $200 going in!"
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Post by Aedh on Jan 3, 2009 22:48:38 GMT -5
A man walks into a pub and asks the barman, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the barman, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The barman agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the barman demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
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Post by Aedh on Jan 12, 2009 7:44:07 GMT -5
A very witty one ...
A maid who worked for a wealthy couple asked the lady of the house for a pay increase. The wife asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh ... well, what's the second reason?" Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense! Who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Alright then, let's hear the third reason." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE RAISE!
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Post by Aedh on Jan 23, 2009 8:08:50 GMT -5
DEFINITIONS:
Pessimist - an optimist who's been to Las Vegas.
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Post by Aedh on Jan 23, 2009 8:10:07 GMT -5
What wears a heavy coat in winter, but pants only in the summer?
A dog!
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Post by Aedh on Feb 19, 2009 22:31:19 GMT -5
A Scotsman was going on and on about the beauties of his native land to an Englishman. Finally the latter burst out: "Enough already! Take away your lochs, braes, glens and bens, and just what HAVE you got?"
The Scot replied, "England."
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Post by Aedh on Feb 20, 2009 7:11:54 GMT -5
SCOTTISH NEWS UPDATE!Dateline: GlasgowIt was announced to-day that the world's leading nations are co-operating on plans for an undersea colony to be populated entirely by Scots. Experts have determined that, deep down, Scots really aren't that bad. Not only that, but it's a safe place for bagpipe practice.As soon as they heard of it, two Scots made a bet as to which of them could hold his breath underwater the longest. They both drowned. A third, saddened at the passing of his mates, decided to pay tribute by drowning himself in a vat of whisky. It took awhile ... he had to get out three times to use the loo. His remains were cremated. It took two days to put the fire out. When this became public, a half-time interval at the Celtic-Rangers match became ugly, and it looked like 20,000 Scots were about to start a riot. Fortunately, the local Vicar, Fr McTavish, dispersed the mob instantly by getting up and calling for a collection. Fr McTavish said to one particularly unruly man, "You--you're drunk." "Ah'm not so pissed as ye are," came the reply. "Look at ye--ye've got yer collar on back to front." On the reader board at Fr McTavish's kirk, St Andrew Carnegie, the Ladies' Temperance Guild had posted their slogan, "Drink Is The Enemy." Underneath, the verger had added the topic for next week's sermon: "Love Your Enemy." A crofter in the remote Hebrides bought a chair for his mother-in-law. He had to return it though, as there was no place to plug it in. Finally, McIntosh of Paisley, husband of Mrs Jessie McIntosh, winner of Paisley's Tidy Home award nineteen times running, passed away. His last request was that he be cremated, and that his ashes be scattered on the carpet in the landing. The motto of our story is ... you can always tell a Scot. But you can't tell him much.
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Cleric Emma Wills
Resistance Member
-I have a gun, Soirez. -They give you a gun? -..No, but I'll jump out from this desk and tackle you.
Posts: 20
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Post by Cleric Emma Wills on Feb 20, 2009 21:24:30 GMT -5
EVENING BULLETIN: To-day, the Prime Minister addressed the cabinet ... after which he had a few words with the bookcase, and a testy exchange with the dresser. XDDDD I love that one. Nothing is as good as good old Prime Minister jokes. Some potential ways the would could end: An earthquake A volcano eruption Impromptu meteor shower George W. Bush.
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Post by Aedh on Feb 21, 2009 9:49:37 GMT -5
Some potential ways the would could end: An earthquake A volcano eruption Impromptu meteor shower George W. Bush. Well, we still have the possibilities of the earthquake, the eruption, and the meteorites. There's also the possibility of Ozzy sobering up. He might come to his senses, look around, and decide that the rising of Hell is long overdue. Then there's the one about McDonald of Glenora, who had the remotest croft in the Highlands, far up on the shoulder of Beinn Sgritheall. It had been a terrible winter with storm after storm, burying the region in many feet of snow, and no one had seen McDonald in the village for weeks. It was decided to launch a search and rescue operation. After great struggles, the Red Cross rescue team found McDonald's croft at the head of the glen only by the fact that the chimney pot still stood above the drifts. "Hallo!" shouted the lead down the chimney. "McDonald, are you there?" "Who is it?" came the irritated voice. "Who's there?" "It's the Red Cross," called back the lead. "Go away!" yelled McDonald. "I bought a flag last year!"
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Cleric Emma Wills
Resistance Member
-I have a gun, Soirez. -They give you a gun? -..No, but I'll jump out from this desk and tackle you.
Posts: 20
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Post by Cleric Emma Wills on Feb 21, 2009 13:09:53 GMT -5
XDD 'I bought a flag last year' what an eejit.... And, yes, I do agree with the whole Ozzy sobering up theory...
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Post by Aedh on Feb 23, 2009 13:24:39 GMT -5
An undertaker in Kirkcaldy sent a message to Angus, telling him that his mother-in-law had just passed away, and did he want her embalmed, cremated, or buried?
Angus sent back saying: "All three. Tak' nae chances."
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Post by Aedh on Feb 24, 2009 7:11:30 GMT -5
A certain notorious miser from Aberdeen fell ill with scarlet fever. He was asked by one of his relatives what she could do for him.
"Send for my creditors," he said. "Tell them I can give them something at last."
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Post by Aedh on Feb 26, 2009 9:27:57 GMT -5
Three times the Highland lass brought her man to the manse, hoping to be married, but each time the minister refused to perform the ceremony--because each time the groom was drunk. After the third time, the minister asked her: "Why do you persist in bringing him to me in such a state?"
"Please, Reverend!" pleaded the girl. "He'll no' come when he's sober."
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Post by Aedh on Feb 27, 2009 13:56:02 GMT -5
The ship was caught in a winter storm, and the Captain was concerned for the comfort of his female passengers. He called down to the second mate: "Have we any mackintoshes to keep two ladies warm?" "No, sir," came the reply. "But we have a MacPherson who's volunteering."
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Post by Aedh on Mar 2, 2009 12:27:22 GMT -5
A beautiful woman and a Scotsman were the only survivors of shipwreck, cast up on a desert island with no radio, their clothes in tatters, and practically no food.
"Ah, well," said the lady, casting her eyes over the big man. "I suppose things could be worse."
"Aye," said the Scot. "Ah could hae bought a return ticket."
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Post by Aedh on Mar 2, 2009 19:02:18 GMT -5
SIGN SEEN ON A ROADSIDE ESTABLISHMENT:
"Eat Here And Get Gas!"
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Post by Aedh on Mar 3, 2009 8:52:49 GMT -5
"If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old."
--Will Rogers
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Post by Aedh on Mar 4, 2009 10:09:20 GMT -5
Smile often. It will encourage old friends, tend to make new ones, confuse your enemies, and lead everyone to wonder what you know that they don't.
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Post by Aedh on Mar 5, 2009 10:08:36 GMT -5
Can't help but notice, our local whole-foods Hippy-Mart is "out of stock" on 'stickers that say, "Dissent Is Patrotic!" and "Question Authority."
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Post by Aedh on Mar 7, 2009 10:14:26 GMT -5
Don't trust your 'lucky' rabbit's foot too far. After all, the rabbit had four of them and a fat lot of good it did.
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Post by Aedh on Mar 15, 2009 7:17:38 GMT -5
A police officer pulls over a Scottish man who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He suspects, and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The Scot says, "Sorry, officer, I cannae do that. I am an asthmatic. That would trigger an asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I cannae do that either. I am a hemophiliac. I'd bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I cannae do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I did that I'd be at high risk of going into sugar shock."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I cannae do that, officer."
Peering in to look for, perhaps, a missing leg, the officer asked: "And why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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Post by Aedh on Mar 27, 2009 9:06:40 GMT -5
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. But they will offer a seminar called "Issues And Strategies For The Luminously-Challenged."
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Post by BlackDragon on Mar 27, 2009 9:42:50 GMT -5
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. But they will offer a seminar called "Issues And Strategies For The Luminously-Challenged." lol
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Post by Aedh on Mar 30, 2009 9:02:44 GMT -5
An American was lost in the Scottish countryside, having taken a wrong turn in his drive to meet some business partners for a round of golf at St Andrews. He stopped at a village and went into the pub.
Inside he asked a local, "'Scuse me, Mac. Do ya think ya could tell me the quickest way to Saint Andrew's?"
The Scot looked him up and down and then asked, "Are ye drivin' or walkin', lad?"
"Driving," replied the Yank impatiently.
The local and the barman traded a look before the local replied, "Aye lad. Nae doot, drrrivin's definitely the quickest way."
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