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Post by Aedh on Oct 21, 2008 14:04:09 GMT -5
Q: What's the difference between having your car broken into for its stereo, or broken into for its bagpipes on the back seat?
A: In the one case, the stereo will be missing. But in the other, you'll find another set of bagpipes left beside the first.
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Post by Aedh on Oct 22, 2008 6:32:52 GMT -5
Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like bagpipes?
A: Add vibrato.
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Post by Aedh on Oct 23, 2008 22:13:12 GMT -5
Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
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Post by Aedh on Oct 24, 2008 16:43:13 GMT -5
Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a lawnmower?
A: You can tune the lawnmower. Also, if you've borrowed the lawnmower from someone, his neighbours will be upset if you don't return it.
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Post by Aedh on Nov 4, 2008 15:38:53 GMT -5
Q: What's the range of a bagpipe?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
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Post by Aedh on Nov 5, 2008 2:23:05 GMT -5
Q: How do you put a twinkle in a bagpiper's eye?
A: Shine a light in his ear.
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Post by Aedh on Nov 5, 2008 2:25:08 GMT -5
Q: Does Beijing really have a smog problem?
A: Word is, that when Snoop Dogg was there, and he opened the window of his limo ... smoke rolled in.
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Post by Aedh on Nov 6, 2008 23:41:07 GMT -5
Q: What did the bagpiper get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
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Post by BlackDragon on Nov 7, 2008 11:21:14 GMT -5
hehehehe very good
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Post by Aedh on Nov 7, 2008 11:41:41 GMT -5
Q: If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end-to-end on the moon, would--?
A: --it be a great idea? Yes.
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Post by Aedh on Nov 10, 2008 17:16:20 GMT -5
Q: If you were to drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which would smash into more pieces?
A: Who cares?
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Post by Aedh on Nov 12, 2008 23:31:12 GMT -5
Q: Why do bagpipers walk around while they play?
A: Moving targets are harder to hit.
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Post by Aedh on Nov 12, 2008 23:34:20 GMT -5
Q: What's the difference between a bagpiper and Mick Jagger?
A: Jagger says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud," and the bagpiper says: "Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe!"
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Post by Mirabilis on Nov 13, 2008 6:49:13 GMT -5
Bahahahahaha!!! ;D
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Post by marphlets on Nov 13, 2008 19:19:01 GMT -5
Ha! These are killin me!
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Post by Aedh on Nov 14, 2008 1:15:24 GMT -5
Two girls are walking along when they hear: "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road.
The frog says to them, "Hey--I'm the world's greatest bagpiper. If you kiss me I'll resume my human form and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls look at each other, and one of them reaches down and grabs the frog and stuffs it in her pocket.
The other girl says, "What did you do that for?"
The first replies, "Are you kidding? Ta hell with the world's greatest bagpiper--now, a talking frog is worth something!"
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Post by Aedh on Nov 14, 2008 19:02:17 GMT -5
By some odd twist of fate, a bagpiper ends up in hell. Satan passes him one day and says: "Well, Scotty, hot enough for you?"
The piper replies, "Well, to tell ya the truth, son, the Enumclaw Highland Games was hotter than this." So Satan has the demons start stoking the furnaces more.
The next day Satan passes by and asks again, "Hey, Scotty! Hot enough for you?"
"Well, to tell ya the truth, son, the Tacoma Highland Games was just as hot."
So Satan has the demons really start loading up the fires. The furnaces are so hot they're glowing cherry red, and the demons are starting to pass out from the heat. After a day of this Satan goes up and asks: "Well, Scotty! Hot enough for you now?!"
"Well, to tell ya the truth, son, my band practice hall was just as hot."
Satan is furious. He tells his demons to shut off the furnace. Cranks the air conditioning on--full blast. Ice forms over everything.
The next day again, Satan goes to see the piper. He's shivering and slapping himself to try to stay warm, but he's also jumping up and down yahoo-ing and cheering.
Satan looks at him and says: "Now, Scotty, you're obviously not doing well in this cold. Just why--might I ask--are you celebrating?"
Scotty says to him: "Are you kiddin', hen? Hell's just froze over! That means MY lads have won the World Pipe Band Championship!!"
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Post by Aedh on Nov 20, 2008 15:15:31 GMT -5
A newlywed couple arrived at hotel and wanted to check in.
The clerk said: "Would you like the bridal?"
The bride blushed and said: "No, thanks ... I'll just hang on tight 'til I get used to it."
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Post by Aedh on Nov 22, 2008 13:03:26 GMT -5
A Scotsman out in a field sees someone kneeling down to fill a drinking cup out of a pool of water. He calls out, "Awa' ya feel hoor tes full 'a' coosharn!" [Translation: 'Don't drink it, it's full of cow sh*t!']
The person looks around and shouts back: "Excuse me, I'm English, I can't understand you!"
The Scot shouts back: "I said, drink up! Best stuff for ya!"
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Post by Mirabilis on Nov 22, 2008 13:32:39 GMT -5
Hahahaha!! ;D Hey.....wait...
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Post by Aedh on Nov 22, 2008 14:12:53 GMT -5
Young Angus came home one afternoon and hold his mother he'd been awarded a part in the school play.
"Wonderful laddie!" she said. "And what part was that?"
"The part of the Scots husband."
She scowled and said: "You go straight back there and tell them you want a speaking part."
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Post by Aedh on Nov 23, 2008 8:53:33 GMT -5
So ... it happened one morning that there were four Scots together in a railway carriage on their way to the seaside. In the same carriage there happened to be four Eng ... um, Yorkshiremen, yes ... four Yorkshiremen, who were also together on their way to the same destination. One of the Yorkshiremen quietly called the others' attention to the fact that the four Scots had only bought one ticket for all of them.
As it became apparent that a ticket-collector was soon going to be in their carriage, the four Scots up and quickly all piled into the gents' loo at one end of the car and locked the door. As the ticket-collector passed, he rapped on the door and said: "Ticket, please;" the one ticket was slid out under the door, and on his way he went.
The Yorkshiremen were duly impressed by this dodge, and so later, on the return journey--on which the same four Scots happened to be with them again--the Yorkshiremen bought one ticket for the four of them. It was a matter of brief puzzlement that this time the Scots had bought no ticket at all.
At the approach of the ticket-collector, the four Yorkshiremen got up and wedged themselves into the gents' loo and shut the door, and the Scots did likewise with the ladies' loo across from it.
Then one of the Scots opened up, knocked on the Gents, and said: "Ticket, please." The one ticket was obligingly passed under, at which the Scot grabbed it, nipped back into his own side, and slammed the door.
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Post by clericjay on Nov 24, 2008 12:11:53 GMT -5
I love those bagpiper jokes very much. ;D Though I don't have anything against bagpipers or Scots.I told them to my brother and he told some of them to his friends. Here's one I have said while eating diner with my family. Unfortunately it works in German only: "Warum heißt der Dudelsack eigentlich Dudelsack bei uns? Weil uns das Gedudel auf den Sack geht!"It's not possible to translate it into English, because this wordplay works in German only. Sorry. If I should explain it, please tell me. But explained jokes aren't funny usually...
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Post by Aedh on Nov 25, 2008 12:14:55 GMT -5
"Warum heißt der Dudelsack eigentlich Dudelsack bei uns? Weil uns das Gedudel auf den Sack geht!"
Hmmm .... I might attempt a "conversion" of it along the lines of ...
Q: Why are a set of bagpipes called a "Dudelsack" in German?
A: Because a dude caught playing them gets the sack!
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Post by Aedh on Nov 26, 2008 16:19:37 GMT -5
A longtime Glaswegian dies, and his widow goes to the newspaper to place an obituary.
"There's a wee charge for that," says the editor. "We go by the number of words. What do ye want tae say?"
She thought a moment. "Peter Reid frae Parkheid's deid."
He writes that down. "That qualifies for oor five-pound special," he says. "But ye do get ten words for yer five pound. Would there be onythin' else tae say missus?"
She thought a moment more.
"Peter Reid frae Parkheid's deid. 1996 Ford Escort for sale."
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Post by Aedh on Nov 27, 2008 17:49:09 GMT -5
"One Question Too Many!!"[/b]
;D
A young Scots lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' ... pairhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' pairhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' pairhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said: "I wis thinkin' pairhaps it's noo aboot time we settled up wi' the three pence ye owe me."
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Post by Aedh on Dec 1, 2008 12:52:59 GMT -5
Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a while, he asked the priest: "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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Post by Aedh on Dec 1, 2008 20:30:42 GMT -5
So the priest says to Jock: "I'll have you know that I'm sixty years old and I've never tasted whisky in my life!"
Jock shifts his bottle to his other pocket and says, "'Fraid I can't help you, Father, I paid five pound for this and it's got to last me 'til to-morra!"
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Post by Aedh on Dec 3, 2008 22:52:01 GMT -5
Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scots caddie: "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."
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Post by Aedh on Dec 10, 2008 1:39:49 GMT -5
Q: How do you catch a unique bunny?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame bunny?
A: Tame thing, thilly. Unique up on it.
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