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Post by Aedh on Nov 19, 2006 17:21:53 GMT -5
Inspired by recent discussion about jokes ... and by Friv's siggy ... I wish to start a place where people can put in good (or bad) quickies they've heard recently. To start:
You hear about the guy from Yorkshire who started a website where you can buy, sell, and trade merchandise? Yep ... he calls it E-Bay-Gum!!
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Post by frivolity on Nov 19, 2006 17:27:53 GMT -5
that's a definite tee hee
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Post by MisterAnderson on Nov 19, 2006 22:41:07 GMT -5
Why was the Irishman buried on the hill? Because he was dead!
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Post by Aedh on Nov 20, 2006 10:55:27 GMT -5
NEWS: Yesterday in Wigtown, an eighty-nine-year-old man married a nineteen-year-old woman. Her friends gave her a long woolly comforter. His friends gave him about two months.
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Post by frivolity on Nov 21, 2006 6:30:40 GMT -5
I'm no good with the verbal side, so I hope no-one minds if I slip in the occasional picture one? I don't know who did this one, but it's one of my faves ( I do love Joaquin to bits, honest )
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Post by Aedh on Nov 21, 2006 16:27:21 GMT -5
NEWS FLASH: University research teams have finally discovered what Scotsmen do with their old razor blades. They shave with them.
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Post by Cleric Russ on Nov 22, 2006 10:50:42 GMT -5
I'm no good with the verbal side, so I hope no-one minds if I slip in the occasional picture one? I don't know who did this one, but it's one of my faves ( I do love Joaquin to bits, honest ) AAAAAAAUUGH! MY EYES! NOOOOOooooo! Okay- where's the prozium- I gotta take the edge off that horror... [Funny!] Ladies & Gentlemen- Reptiles and crocodiles- I stand before you and sit behind you to tell you something I know nothing about...
We'll have an improptu evening meeting right after breakfast to discuss what color to white-wash the local church.
There's no admission so pay at the door, Plenty of seats- so sit on the floor!
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Post by Greyflower on Nov 22, 2006 21:54:09 GMT -5
An old lady - to her adult granddaughter: - Dearie, could you remind me the name of the German who makes me so crazy? - Alzheimer, granny, that's Alzheimer!
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Post by Aedh on Nov 22, 2006 21:57:30 GMT -5
EVENING BULLETIN: To-day, the Prime Minister addressed the cabinet ... after which he had a few words with the bookcase, and a testy exchange with the dresser.
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Post by Aedh on Nov 24, 2006 2:37:47 GMT -5
And for our musical guest tonight: the celebrated Irish tippler Seamus O'Higgins ... who will perform "Peg O' My Heart" on the breathalyser.
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Post by Aedh on Nov 25, 2006 11:35:39 GMT -5
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
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Post by Vespertilio on Nov 25, 2006 14:56:25 GMT -5
A man walks into a bar...he says "OW!"
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Post by Aedh on Nov 25, 2006 21:17:03 GMT -5
Q: What do you call a lawyer too disgraced to take clients? A: Your Honour.
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Post by Aedh on Dec 1, 2006 11:39:43 GMT -5
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?
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Post by Cleric Russ on Dec 1, 2006 12:36:43 GMT -5
Q: How many transcendental film students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Fish.
Q: What begins with the letter F- ends in the letter K and entails a hot, wet, unpredicatable environment? A: Firetruck.
Q: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? A: Coconut...
Q: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? A: Shake hands.
Q: What does a dog do that a man steps into? A: Pants.
If you answered all of those questions incorrectly- where in the world is your naughty mind?
If you answered ANY of them correctly- Aw, you peaked or knew the jokes already.
If you answered all of those correctly on the first try...
Prozium- lots of prozium...
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Post by Aedh on Dec 5, 2006 22:46:50 GMT -5
Q: Why do grandparents and kids usually seem to get along so well? A: They have a common adversary.
(PS: Mira ... I finally got the "668" joke today. Good one!)
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Post by Greyflower on Dec 9, 2006 20:50:08 GMT -5
What do escimoes do when it is cold? - They sit in a circle around a candle. What do they do when it's extremely cold? - They light it.
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Post by Aedh on Dec 13, 2006 17:49:00 GMT -5
DAD: *getting out belt* Son, this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. SON: Well, don't be too hard on yourself then. I'm not really worth it.
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Post by Walldude on Dec 14, 2006 14:07:48 GMT -5
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capital.
There was no problem, however, in finding enough asses to fill the stable
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Post by Aedh on Jan 10, 2007 14:50:02 GMT -5
Not really a groaner ... but I like this observation someone made:
"If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then onto a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that."
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Post by Libby on Jan 10, 2007 18:56:16 GMT -5
Not really a groaner ... but I like this observation someone made: "If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then onto a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that." Now that made me chuckle! Sorry if this is hijacking a bit and maybe a non-sequitur (although I can see the link...probably cos I'm brain-fried) but I had to endure a Teacher Education Day day on 'Attachment Theory' by some Clinical Psychologist. she finished with a poem... The Painting Lesson
"What's THAT dear?" asked the new teacher.
"It's Mummy" I replied.
"But Mums aren't green and orange! You really haven't TRIED. You don't just paint in SPLODGES - Your're old enough to know You need to think before you work... Now - have another go"
She helped me draw two arms and legs, A face with sickly smile, A rounded body, dark brown hair, A hat - and, in a while, She stood back (with her face bright pink); "That's SO much better - don't you think?"
But she turned white At ten to three When an orange-green blob Collected me.
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Post by Aedh on Jan 14, 2007 8:35:25 GMT -5
So .... why did Dupont cross the road?
To get to the other side? Or ... because Preston was chasing him?
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Post by Aedh on Jan 14, 2007 16:33:45 GMT -5
So .... why did Dupont cross the road? To get to the other side? Or ... because Preston was chasing him? After thinking about it, I'd say ...to personally inspect a new batch of EC-10 contraband ...
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Post by Gothicgds on Jan 20, 2007 21:04:47 GMT -5
So .... why did Dupont cross the road? To get to the other side? Or ... because Preston was chasing him? Because somebody nicked his Hello Kitty?
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Post by Aedh on Jan 22, 2007 16:22:23 GMT -5
So, my friend said she couldn't come to my place for dinner because she's allergic to cats ... I said, So? I can cook something else instead ...
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Post by Aedh on Jan 23, 2007 20:19:27 GMT -5
TRUE story!!
*Canadian cop, leaning in window of pulled-over Yank tourist* Sir ... you know you were speeding by a considerable amount in that area back there ... it's 50 kilometres per hour limit ...
*Yank Tourist* Ah ... right ... I wasn't paying attention, I guess ... I'm used to 50 meaning fifty miles per hour ...
*Canadian cop, with wan smile:* I'm glad we had this talk, sir ... before you hit the 90 zone up ahead ...
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Post by Aedh on Feb 1, 2007 18:37:43 GMT -5
Sticker seen on back of shiny little red four-wheeler:
"Save a horse--ride a cowboy!"
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Post by Aedh on Mar 14, 2007 18:46:29 GMT -5
What do you call a British Monarch to whom anyone can contribute?
Queen Wiki-toria!
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Post by Aedh on Mar 16, 2007 12:02:50 GMT -5
Gollum (while looking at a piece of paper emerging from an electronic machine):
Mm ... Faxes are stubborn things, preciousss ... yessss ...
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Post by Aedh on Apr 26, 2007 10:56:09 GMT -5
Upon seeing seeing flashing lights in her rear-view mirror, one woman decided to act as if she were NOT about to be pulled over. After the siren was added, however, she stopped on the roadside, still rather offended at the patrolman's temerity.
"I've never been pulled over like this before," she told the cop.
"What do they usually do, ma'am?" he replied. "Shoot out the tires?"
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