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Post by Aedh on Mar 30, 2009 23:35:40 GMT -5
Q: What do you call a one-legged Scots woman?
A: Eileen.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 2, 2009 1:02:42 GMT -5
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman are all working on an archaeological dig when they uncover a huge sealed urn. They dig it up, and while lifting it out they drop it, and it shatters. WHIZZO! Out wafts an enormous genie.
The genie looks at the three of them and says, "It's supposed to be three wishes for whoever freed me, but seeing as you all had a hand in it, I'll give you one each."
The Irishman says, "My father was a fisherman, and my grandfather, and his father before him, and so are all my five brothers. I wish for the Irish Sea to be full of fish."
"Done," says the genie, and ZAM! Suddenly the Irish Sea is so full of fish you can practically walk across on them.
The Englishman is impressed. "I want a wall around my beloved England, protecting her for all eternity, two hundred feet high, a hundred feet thick, and so strong and tight that nothing at all can get in or out."
"Done," says the genie, and ZOOM! Said wall appears all around England. Then the genie looks at the Scotsman ... who nods toward the Englishman and asks: "Naethin' at a' can get in or oot of his wall?"
"Nothing," says the genie confidently.
"Aye then," says the Scotsman. "Fill it up wi' water."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 2, 2009 6:58:56 GMT -5
McTavish decided to nickname his father-in-law "The Exorcist." Why? Because whenever he visited, he made the spirits disappear!
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Post by Aedh on Apr 2, 2009 7:00:13 GMT -5
Q: How do you get a Scotsman on the roof?
A: Tell him that drinks are on the house!
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Post by Aedh on Apr 2, 2009 7:02:38 GMT -5
Globalisation ...
Anciently, the Scots used to play the bagpipes to annoy the English. Now they play them to annoy everyone.
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Post by clericjay on Apr 2, 2009 11:27:10 GMT -5
Where do you get all these brilliant Scotsmen jokes? ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Aedh on Apr 2, 2009 22:23:13 GMT -5
Where do you get all these brilliant Scotsmen jokes? ;D ;D ;D I get them from *looks around stealthily* a highly classified source somewhere in Scotland. So ... A bloke walks into a pub with an octopus. He puts it on the bar and announces that that if anyone has a musical instrument that the octopus can't play he'll give them fifty quid. But if the octopus can play it, they owe him fifty. So one fellow bites, and walks up with a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and starts playing Eric Clapton's "Layla" riff. The guitar owner forks over fifty pounds. Then another fellow walks up with a saxophone and hands it over. The octopus takes it and blows John Coltrane's "My Favourite Things." Defeated, the horn owner leaves fifty pounds lighter. At length, a Scotsman walks up and plonks down his bagpipes. The octopus wraps himself around them but no piping emerges. After a minute the octopus's owner asks him anxiously: "Aren't you going to play?" "Play??" asks the octopus. "I'm gonna show her the time of her life if I can just get her out of these stupid pyjamas!"
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Post by Aedh on Apr 3, 2009 7:44:05 GMT -5
Q: Why do you tell so many Scots jokes? A: As a Welshman, I feel the mischeivous desire to take the mickey out of some of the later arrivals to our Prydain, and the Scots are a fair target. The English are already doing an unsurpassable job at taking the mickey out of each other.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 5, 2009 16:43:49 GMT -5
A dad was sitting in the parlour one evening, watching his son with his schoolwork spread out, with his iPod plugged into his ears, and looking up at the TV playing a movie.
Feeling a little irritated, the man said, "You know, when he was your age, Abe Lincoln was doing his homework by the light of the fire."
The boy replied, "True. And when he was your age, Abe Lincoln was President."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 5, 2009 23:00:01 GMT -5
A story passed on to me as true by a veteran friend ...
After an overnight flight to meet her husband at his new military assignment, a woman arrived in Germany with her nine children, none older than 11. Collecting all their bags and suitcases, they entered the jammed customs area.
A customs official watched the entourage in disbelief. "Ma'am," he asked, "Do all these children and all this baggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," she said with a sigh. "All mine."
The agent then began his questioning. ""Ma'am, do you have and weapons, contraband, or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she answered, "if I'd had any of those things, I would certainly have used them by now."
The official let her pass without opening a single bag.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 5, 2009 23:06:00 GMT -5
A beginning golfer scrubbed his tee shot into the woods. Then he hit into trees several times, then with another shot cleared across the fairway and went into woods on the other side. After mashing about awhile longer, he got the ball out only to land it firmly in a sand trap.
Paused on the edge of the trap, he saw the club professional watching him. He squared his shoulders, cleared his throat, and asked, "Well! What club would you say I should use now?"
The pro scratched his jaw meditatively. "I'm not sure," he replied. "What game are you playing?"
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Post by Aedh on Apr 6, 2009 8:20:12 GMT -5
Alright, break time's over ... back to Scotland!
Q: What do Scots call a six-week spell of rain?
A: Summer.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 6, 2009 8:21:33 GMT -5
A Scots pessimist .... a person who feels bad when things are good, for fear that if things get better, that will make him feel even worse.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 7, 2009 22:06:12 GMT -5
A Scotsman won a free week-endtrip to London in a sweepstakes. When he returned, his mated asked him how he liked it.
"They're all bluidy daft," he replied. "They all sleep in gey late, and they're sae fashit! At four AM they're up hammerin' on yer door ... on yer ceiling .. on yer floor ... hammerin' so loud I could hardly hear meself playin' my bagpipes!"
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Post by Aedh on Apr 7, 2009 22:07:16 GMT -5
Then there's the Scotsman who married a woman born on February 29, so he'd only have to give her a present once every four years.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 8, 2009 8:36:47 GMT -5
A Glaswegian was, one day. walking meditatively through the great cemetery at Gorbals Cross when he came before a tombstone inscribed: "Here lies a politician and a public benefactor."
He shook his head in slow wonderment. "Tach!" he muttered to himself. "Noo that's what I call thrrrrifty! Puttin' two men in one grave!"
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Post by Aedh on Apr 9, 2009 13:30:13 GMT -5
Then there was the Scotsman who told his lass: "Eh Maggie ... ye look sae bonnie wi'a drink in yer hand."
"But Angus, it's allus for you. Ye ken weel I dinnae drink."
"That's right!"
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Post by Aedh on Apr 9, 2009 13:31:57 GMT -5
Then there was the philanthropist McTavish, who loved to give to charity anonymously. In fact, so anonymous was he that he modestly refrained from signing the cheques.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 9, 2009 13:33:48 GMT -5
Q: Why do pipers march when they play?
A: "Tae try tae get awa' frae all the bluidy racket someone's aboot makin'!!"
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Post by clericjay on Apr 10, 2009 12:57:19 GMT -5
This is the copy of a conversation, which really took place in October 1995 between a US-Navy ship and Canadian authorities near Newfoundland. It was published by Chief of Naval Operations on 10.10.1995.
American: Please change your course 15 degrees north to avoid a collusion.
Canadian: I advise you to change YOUR course 15 degrees south to avoid a collusion.
American: This is the Captain of an US-Navy ship. I tell you once again: Change YOUR course.
Canadian: No. I tell you once again: You have to change YOUR course.
American: THIS IS AIRCRAFT CARRIER "US LINCOLN", THE SECOND BIGGEST SHIP IN THE ATLANTIC FLEET OF THE UNITED STATES. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS AND SEVERAL ASSISTANT SHIPS. I DEMAND YOU TO CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT IS ONE FIVE DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR WE WILL LAUNCH COUNTERMEASURES TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadian: We are a lighthouse. Your turn.
translated from a German source...
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Post by Mirabilis on Apr 10, 2009 13:16:46 GMT -5
This is the copy of a conversation, which really took place in October 1995 between a US-Navy ship and Canadian authorities near Newfoundland. It was published by Chief of Naval Operations on 10.10.1995. American: Please change your course 15 degrees north to avoid a collusion. Canadian: I advise you to change YOUR course 15 degrees south to avoid a collusion. American: This is the Captain of an US-Navy ship. I tell you once again: Change YOUR course. Canadian: No. I tell you once again: You have to change YOUR course. American: THIS IS AIRCRAFT CARRIER "US LINCOLN", THE SECOND BIGGEST SHIP IN THE ATLANTIC FLEET OF THE UNITED STATES. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS AND SEVERAL ASSISTANT SHIPS. I DEMAND YOU TO CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT IS ONE FIVE DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR WE WILL LAUNCH COUNTERMEASURES TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadian: We are a lighthouse. Your turn. translated from a German source...Bahaha!! I've actually seen that one before but it still cracks me up!! ;D
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Post by Aedh on Apr 10, 2009 15:05:33 GMT -5
An Englishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman were all looking at a prize cow at a fair.
"Look at that fine English cow," said the Englishman proudly.
"It's a Welsh cow," replied the Welshman. "Can't you see it's a Hereford?"
"Ye're baith wrong," said the Scot, bending down and looking. "It's a Scots cow--look at the bagpipes underneath her!"
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Post by Aedh on Apr 11, 2009 7:29:24 GMT -5
Old Tam, who had no teeth, one day had his monthly visit from his minister from the Free Kirk. The minister noticed that next to Tam's chair was a bowl of almonds.
"That's an odd thing for you to have," said the reverend, indicating the dish.
"Och, they was give tae me by me brither," wheezed Tam. "Ah cannae dae a thing wi' em. Ye can have 'em if ye want."
The minister shoveled in a handful and ate them, and then another. "Why," he asked after munching, "why would your brother give you such a useless present?"
"Ah wouldnae say they wus nae guid at a'," returned Tam. "Ah liked sucking the chocolate aff a' them."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 11, 2009 7:30:48 GMT -5
Double glazing has become popular in Scotland; in hopes--so it's believed--that the children won't be able to hear the ice-cream van when it comes round.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 12, 2009 0:16:21 GMT -5
McTavish went to visit McDonald, and found him stripping wallpaper in his parlour.
"Och, ye're re-decoratin' then, are ye?" asked McTavish.
"Naw," replied McDonald. "Ah'm movin 'ouse."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 12, 2009 0:19:20 GMT -5
Angus stopped in a pub and asked for a glass of their best Scotch whisky.
After a minute, the barmaid returned with a drink, and said: "There you are. That's eighteen years old."
Angus observed the small glass ruefully. "Rather small for its age, is it not?"
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Post by Aedh on Apr 12, 2009 8:25:01 GMT -5
At an antiques auction in Glasgow, an American stood up. "I've lost a wallet containing ten thousand pounds," he announced. "If someone returns it to me, I'll give them a hundred pounds."
A Scots voice was heard from the back: "What am Ah bid? Do Ah hear 150?"
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Post by Aedh on Apr 12, 2009 8:50:12 GMT -5
Jock and his wife were at a fair where an old-fashioned barnstormer was giving an aerobatical exhibition in a biplane. After he landed, they went over to look.
"I'll give you both a ride for five pounds," offered the flyer.
"Naw," said Jock. "We hivnae got that kind a' money tae spare."
"Well, I'll tell you what," said the flyer. "I'll take you for a ride for free, on the condition that if either one of you yells, you owe me ten pounds."
"Done," says Jock. So he and his wife climb in. The pilot take off, goes straight up, and spends a half hour doing terrifying stalls, climbs, loop-the-loops, corkscrews, and gyros. Never a sound came from behind him.
Finally, coming in to land, the flyer said: "I gotta say, you are one tough pair of old birds. I didn't hear a thing."
"Naw," said Jock. "But ye nearly had me when the wife fell oot."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 13, 2009 0:49:43 GMT -5
Canadian: We are a lighthouse. Your turn. This story was told of the aircraft carrier "Enterprise" twenty years ago, and quoted in Steven Covey's wildly popular self-help book, "The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People," published in 1989. Covey sourced it to a writer named Frank Koch, in "Proceedings," the official magazine of the US Naval Instutute, where it is first known to have appeared, though it is said to have appeared in "Reader's Digest" in the late 1970s. That being said, it could have some basis in fact. One could easily believe it of an encounter between a (criminally) inexperienced watch master and Sable Island, an unusual bit of shoal 160 km southeast of the nearest land in Nova Scotia. It's a place where common sense says there should be no island, about 42 km and 1.5 km wide (being made of sand, and situate in a stormy ocean, its shape often changes). From the right angle it could certainly look like a craft. It's home to the famous Sable Island wild ponies, and is also the sole breeding ground of the Ipswich sparrow. A few freshwater ponds there host a species of sponge found nowhere else, Heteromeyenia macouni. It is all grass; no trees will grow there. The mighty Great White Shark roams the waters around it. Although Sable Island's lighthouses (it has two) have been automated for some sixty years, it is a year-round home to several Canadian Government researchers. I have seen it personally from the air, though not been actually on it, since it is a protected spot and official permission is required to land there. The ponies are thought to have been there since the 1700s, previously the property of French Acadian settlers, who were expelled by the British and North American colonists then under British rule. There is a tradition that the ponies were planted there by Boston merchant Thomas Hancock, uncle of the well-known American patriot John Hancock.
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Post by clericjay on Apr 13, 2009 12:43:20 GMT -5
Wow, very interesting...
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