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Post by Aedh on May 19, 2007 15:29:03 GMT -5
Some recently seen bumper stickers:
"To err is human. to blame it on someone else demonstrates management potential."
"I don't have a beer gut. I have protective sheathing for my rock-hard abs."
"Yes, this is my truck. No, I won't help you move."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS."
And my personal favourite lately ...
"Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap."
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Post by Aedh on May 20, 2007 15:16:06 GMT -5
Here's one trolled from the old "Post Your Joke" thread. This one's kinda long, but rather good, bear with me here. So this guy is in a really tall building, and there is a bar on one of the top floors. He goes into the bar and sits down. the guy beside him nods at him and orders a shot of tequila. He downs it and jumps out the window. A few minutes later he comes back up in the elevator. He sits down again and orders another shot of tequila. He drinks that one and, again, jumps out the window. He returns moments later and asks for a final shot of tequila. Again he jumps out the window and comes back up. The guy that had sat down beside him had watched this all in horror and amazement. He turns to the bartender and orders three shots of tequila. He drinks them all and runs at the window. The bar goes quiet and all that can be heard is the man's screaming as he heads towards the pavement below. Then, SPLAT, as he hits the ground. The bartender looks at the other guy and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real ass when you're drunk."
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Post by Aedh on May 28, 2007 9:37:08 GMT -5
So, a mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barkeep says, "We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says, "Hey, why not? I'm a fun-gi!"
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Post by Aedh on May 28, 2007 21:36:13 GMT -5
Political aide (to dim-witted politician): "There's debate coming up! What do we do?"
Dim-witted politician: "Um ... give it to de fish?"
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Post by Vespertilio on May 31, 2007 17:24:30 GMT -5
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Post by Aedh on Jun 3, 2007 20:10:22 GMT -5
So ... a string walks into a bar ... asks for a drink, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." So the string walks out ... angry ... getting angrier and angrier, coiling himself up into bunches and frizzing out his threads.
The string stalks back into the bar, boiling mad ... and the first thing the bartender says is, "Hey, I said we don't serve your kind here ... string!!"
The new arrival glares at the barman and says: "String ...? I'm A FRAYED KNOT!!"
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Post by Cleric Russ on Jun 4, 2007 8:18:31 GMT -5
If you lend $20 to a friend and you never see them again...
It was probably worth it.
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Post by Aedh on Jun 12, 2007 19:03:35 GMT -5
Recently seen bumper-sticker:
"My job's alright ... I pretend to work ... they pretend to pay me."
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Post by Aedh on Jul 4, 2007 23:07:55 GMT -5
Q: What's Count Dracula's favourite tourist destination?
A: The Vampire State Building!!
*flees*
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Post by Aedh on Jul 23, 2007 13:41:53 GMT -5
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Post by Vespertilio on Jul 25, 2007 5:00:15 GMT -5
Bwahahaha!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Aedh on Jul 26, 2007 10:55:42 GMT -5
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Post by Vespertilio on Aug 25, 2007 18:01:31 GMT -5
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Post by Gothicgds on Aug 27, 2007 3:11:00 GMT -5
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper says, "There's a drink named George?"
Sarcasm is just another service we offer.
Get a taste of religion: lick a witch.
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Post by Aedh on Sept 20, 2007 17:58:56 GMT -5
You can't make this stuff up.
As I was leaving a mini-mart near the small community where I live, I was accosted by a large, sloppily-dressed, middle-aged man sprouting long grey hair from everywhere. Since this man appeared to be basically another ME so far, I gave him acknowledgement.
He opened a mouth filled with black stumps for teeth (here the resemblance to me ended abruptly) and introduced himself with a sort of odd lisp as a joke writer and proceeded to strafe me with a rapid-fire selection of his home-cooked humour. Most of it I couldn't pick up due to speech defects. One, however, I think I managed to pick up complete and in toto before I made my escape. Herewith ...
"Why do Yuppies buy water?"
Wait for it ...
"To baptize nerds and geeks."
And there was much rejoicing. *wurgh*
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Post by Aedh on Sept 28, 2007 18:00:33 GMT -5
Here's another pic I found ... I'm not real huge on 'cute babies,' but this was too good to pass up.
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Post by Aedh on Oct 29, 2007 10:14:53 GMT -5
I thought this might be interesting ... not a one-liner, but a genuine Iraqi joke from a source in that country.
In Saddam-era Iraq, there was a certain high-ranking official in Baghdad who was posted by The Boss to a governorship out in the country. This came as very bad news to his daughter, who was taking English lessons in the city and was enjoying the learning with her teacher. The official promised her her lessons could continue where they moved to.
After the move, the new governor had a meeting with some of his minions, and told them: "Find me the best English-speaker in town."
A couple of weeks went by, with official business keeping the new governor occupied ... but one day after the girl complained, he realised he hadn't heard back about the English teacher, so he had another meeting with his minions. "What of the matter of the best English-speaker in town?"
His top cop assured him: "We took care of that right away, Chief. We beat a full confession out of him ... he's buried out in back."
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Post by Aedh on Mar 3, 2008 9:02:26 GMT -5
So ... this lady goes to visit a shrink, and she says, "Doctor, can you help me? I go out shopping ... and I find myself stealing stuff--I just can't help it! I just come home and it's in my bag! Can you give me something to help??"
The doc writes her a prescription. "Sure ... take one of these every day ... if that doesn't work, come back in a month. And bring me a video camera."
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Post by Aedh on Mar 6, 2008 11:13:50 GMT -5
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time Windows crashed--oh, wait!! He does!!
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Post by clericjay on Mar 6, 2008 13:42:09 GMT -5
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time Windows crashed--oh, wait!! He does!! There are some Windows haters out here... ;D And Bill Gates isn't the richest man of the world anymore. But I think that's no reason to feel sorry for him.
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Post by Aedh on Mar 6, 2008 16:08:35 GMT -5
There are some Windows haters out here... ;D And Bill Gates isn't the richest man of the world anymore. But I think that's no reason to feel sorry for him. Let me give you the skinny on Mister Bill Gates. Those of us who have been around in his neighbourhood, and using computers since about the time he got started, know all this stuff. For those without that background ... Mr Gates' family, prosperous Seattle business people, were tied up with Boeing. It was generally supposed that young Bill would have a career there, if not in law or some other profession. He didn't get a career at Boeing, but he did buy a prototype computer operating system from a Boeing engineer for $120,000. He brought it to IBM Corp., which at the time was the dominant name in mainframe computing--still where the big money was at the time. However, IBM had a sudden interest in microcomputers, which it had until then disdained as 'toys' for geeks and children. Why was this? Well, there were about a dozen small microcomputer manufacturers at the time. (One of them, Apple, is still around.) Each had their own operating systems. But it had been discovered that many microcomputers linked together could provide more power, at cheaper cost, than even the biggest and most expensive mainframes. Well!! Big Blue were not about to sit back and let the likes of Commodore and Apple eat their lunch!! So IBM decided to get into desktop computing. However, they didn't want to do anything that would disturb the basis of their own success, which was mainframes. So they decided to drop a poison pill into the water by making microcomputers that could NOT be easily upgraded to multi-user applications. This is where Fate smiled on Mr Gates. His operating system--in many ways--sucked. It was worse than any of the others out there. The IBM engineers knew this. However, one of the ways it sucked was of great interest to them ... it was practically impossible to adapt to networking. They bought Mr Gates' "DOS" system, not for what it did, but for what it DID NOT do. So confident were they in the suckitude of Mr Gates' system that they didn't even bother to make the deal exclusive. Mr Gates was free to sell his system anywhere else he liked--they plainly didn't believe anyone else would be interested. Why would they be? It sucked! ;D IBM's ploy to drive the smaller manufacturers under turned out effectively but unexpectedly; except for Apple, the competitors opted to start copying IBM instead of quietly going out of business--and Mr Gates was free to sell his software to them as well--one that had IBM's stamp of approval and would work on anything conformable to IBM. Thanks to that, his fortune was founded. The competitors of IBM eventually overtook Big Blue on cost and efficiency, thanks to smaller, more agile organisations, but had to keep buying Mr Gates' product all the way because they had cloned IBM's basic configurations. The rest is a rather sleazy story of marketing savvy, well-timed lawsuits, lots and lots of hard dealing, and a little outright larceny. Did he earn his fortune? I suppose so, in the same sense that Genghis Khan earned his. After all--day in, day out, looting, plundering, and ravishing--it ain't all just a bed of roses you know!
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Post by Aedh on Mar 11, 2008 8:59:07 GMT -5
A recent study found that the average American golfer walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found that the average American golfer drinks, on the average, about 22 gallons of beer per year. That means that the average American golfer gets about 41 miles to the gallon. Not bad, eh?
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Post by Aedh on Mar 11, 2008 9:02:49 GMT -5
Nothing is foolproof, to a sufficiently determined fool.
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Post by Aedh on May 4, 2008 23:47:33 GMT -5
My wife and I had words to-day ... I didn't get to use mine!
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Post by Aedh on May 5, 2008 10:37:04 GMT -5
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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Post by Aedh on Jul 4, 2008 12:09:10 GMT -5
A father, in a hurry driving his third-grade son to an appointment, pulled a U-turn at a red light. "Great," he muttered. I just made an illegal turn."
"I'm sure it's okay, Dad," said the boy reassuringly. "The police car behind us did the same thing."
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Post by marphlets on Jul 9, 2008 0:43:17 GMT -5
I tried carpooling, but I didn't like it. No matter how hard I try, I can't get the chlorine smell out of my car.
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Post by Aedh on Oct 15, 2008 22:45:49 GMT -5
Q: How do you get two bagpipers to stop playing out of sync?
A: Shoot one of them.
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Post by Aedh on Oct 19, 2008 23:15:58 GMT -5
Q: What's the difference between a dead cat on the road and a dead bagpiper on the road?
A: The skid marks in front of the cat.
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Post by Aedh on Oct 20, 2008 18:21:42 GMT -5
The latest figures indicate that the effects of obesity kill more people than smoking. I'm looking forward to seeing fat people having to stand outside for their snack breaks.
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