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Post by Aedh on Apr 13, 2009 15:29:35 GMT -5
Angus' nephew came to him one day with a question.
"Ah dinnae what tae do, Uncle Angus," said the young man. "Ah cannae choose between the two women Ah want tae marry."
"Well, laddie, who are they?" asked Angus.
"Wan o' them's a beautiful young lassie. She's poor, but Ah love her wi' all me heart. The other's a rich widow woman. She's got pots a' money, but she's no' sae bonnie."
"Follow yer heart, lad, you'll no' regret it," said Angus firmly. "Marry the lassie, that's what Ah say."
"Thanks, Uncle Angus," said the other, relieved. "Ah wis thinkin' that but Ah wisnae sure."
"Och, aye," said Angus. "By th' way, lad ..."
"Aye?"
"Where's the widow live, did ye say?"
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Post by Aedh on Apr 13, 2009 15:34:08 GMT -5
Jock said to Sandy one day, "Ah heard you an' Maggie decided tae settle yer differences and get married after all.'
"Aye," admitted Sandy.
"What wis th' change o' heart?"
"Well," said Sandy, "it's been sae lang she's been a-wearin' th' engagement rrring that we couldnae prise it aff her finger."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 14, 2009 11:15:33 GMT -5
There was the Jock who invited an innocent girl up into his flat to see his etchings. He sold her four of them.
>< >< ><
Seen in a Scottish newspaper ... "LOST: Five-pound note. Sentimental value."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 14, 2009 22:07:50 GMT -5
And then there was the Scotsman who took a girl for a ride in a taxicab. She was so beautiful that he could hardly keep his eye on the meter.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 16, 2009 7:30:49 GMT -5
Scots Self-Help!
1. Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
2. Save petrol by pushing your car toward your destination. Someone will come along and help.
3. Don't buy an address book. Simply take your telephone book and cross out the entries for everyone you don't know.
4. Cut your meat bill in half at the supermarket. Every time your wife puts a packet of sausages in her trolley, put another one in her coat pocket.
5. Save money on flowers. Visit your local cemetery regularly.
6. Don't use the car wash at the service station. Just squeegee your whole car off with the windscreen cleaner.
7. If you need something to keep the rain off, just go to your local library and tell them you lost a black umbrella. They'll have at least a half-dozen of them for your selection.
8. Save on your phone bill. Call people long-distance when you know they won't be home. That way they have to pay to return the call.
9. Save on power by turning off the lights when it gets dark. Tell the kids it's time to play hide-and-seek.
10. Don't pay babysitters. Find a young couple who are thinking about having kids and let them 'rent' yours for the evening. That way they have an educational experience, they get to feed them, and you make a tidy profit.
11. Save money on deodorant. Get moist towelettes from a restaurant and swab yourself with those.
12. Don't feed your dog. Teach him to beg food from neighbours instead.
13. Save money on loo paper by getting paper napkins from the local fast-food restaurant.
14. Don't buy toothbrushes. Offer to recycle your neighbours' when they're done with theirs.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 17, 2009 11:40:30 GMT -5
Q: Why are there so many circular churches in Scotland?
A: So no one can hide in the corner during the collection.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 17, 2009 11:43:27 GMT -5
Overheard in an Edinburgh restaurant ...
TOURIST: "I'm sorry, waiter, but I've just enough money to cover the bill ... I can't leave you a tip I'm afraid."
WAITER: "Tach! Let me see that--Ah! That meal was on special to-day!"
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Post by Aedh on Apr 17, 2009 22:51:02 GMT -5
Young Sandy, aged four, wouldn't stop sucking his thumb. His mother tried everything from haggis therapy on down ... nothing worked.
Finally, despairing, one day, when they were out on the street, she pointed to a fat man with a big trucker's gut and told the wee one that if he left his thumb in his mouth, he'd grow up to have a belly like that.
That seemed to work for a few hours ... until they were in the supermarket, and the tot couldn't take his gaze away from a young woman in a state of advanced pregnancy.
After a few minutes, and a few increasingly severe looks, the young mother-to-be couldn't stand it any more. "Do ye no' ken, laddie, it's rude tae stare?" she demanded. "Why, ye dinna know who I am even!"
"Naw," piped young Sandy solemnly. "But I know what ye've been doin'!"
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Post by Aedh on Apr 18, 2009 1:42:42 GMT -5
McTavish wanted to send a birthday present to a friend, but when he went to the local gift shop, he couldn't find anything that fell within his price range ... until a clerk dropped a vase and it broke in half. Seeing the clerk about to dispose of the remains in the dustbin, McTavish offered 50p for it, and the puzzled employee shrugged and sold it to him. McTavish then asked for his purchase to be packaged and sent from the shop, expecting that his friend would think it had broken in transit.
In due course, McTavish got a note from his friend. It said: "Thank you for the vase. It was thoughtful of you to wrap both halves separately."
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Post by Mirabilis on Apr 18, 2009 8:02:44 GMT -5
Heheheh!! Excellent! ;D
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Post by Aedh on Apr 18, 2009 8:40:56 GMT -5
Thanks! Scots Fung Shui ... the ancient Caledonian practice of locating your home or office so as to take advantage of discount stores and charity shops, while also avoiding the twin banes of cadging relatives and temperance societies.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 18, 2009 8:52:43 GMT -5
A small passenger 'plane was running into trouble in the air. The pilot went on the intercom and announced that they had lost an engine. He had already dumped fuel and water, but there was still too much weight on board, and if four passengers would volunteer to jump out, they would certainly perish, but the rest of the passengers could be saved.
The first to stand up was an Englishman. He went to the door, opened it, shouted "God for Harry, England, and St George!" Then he pinched his nose with his fingers and jumped out.
The second to come forward was an Irishman, who yelled: "Save me holy Virgin, an' St Patrick an' St Brigid an' St Kilian an' St Declan of Carrickfergus!" Then he jumped out.
The third was a big Scotsman, respendent in full kilt, sporran, bonnet, and jacket, who moved up and shouted "Scotland forever!" Then he threw two creditors out.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 18, 2009 22:24:00 GMT -5
Angus became depressed once and decided there was nothing more to live for, so he might as well hang himself. His mate Jock came by for a visit just in time to find Angus swinging from a rafter turning blue, so he cut him down. Two days later, Jock's wife, going through the post, found an envelope from Angus.
"Och, what is it?" Jock asked her. "A thank-ye card?"
"It's what ye get for cuttin' down Angus McIntosh," said Mrs Jock archly, handing him the note. "A bill fer a rope."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 19, 2009 11:16:32 GMT -5
A pretty young Highland woman was giving a manicure to a bloke in a Dunkeld barber's shop, when he said. "I like you ... would you like to meet for a drink later?"
"Thanks ... I'm flatterit," she replied, "But I cannae dae it, I'm married."
"Well, just tell your husband you're going out to visit a girl friend," the man suggested.
"Why don't you tell him?" she returned. "He's shavin' you."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 20, 2009 1:13:16 GMT -5
SCOTS DAD: "Son, did ye tak' the car oot yesternight?"
JUNIOR: "Aye, dad. Ah took Malcolm tae see his poor sick grandad."
SCOTS DAD: "Well I have good news f'r Malcolm. I found his lipstick in th' glovebox."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 20, 2009 1:20:49 GMT -5
A wealthy, traditionally-minded chieftain of the McDonalds struck a deal with a chieftain of the McLeods to let his daughter marry the McLeod's son, with the usual dowry, in exchange for a consideration of forty cattle. They agreed to meet at a wee 'burn' which ran down a glen separating the two clan lands. But when the McDonald got there, he found the McLeod waiting on the far side of the stream for them, refusing to cross over with the groom, as was the custom.
"Chust like a McLeod," muttered the McDonald to one of his retainers. "He disnae know which side his bride is bartered on."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 20, 2009 8:31:16 GMT -5
To-day's Groaner is a video. See Worthing, England's own "Disco Trev" strut his stuff for a preliminary round of "Britain's Got Talent!" Click here to ... Boogie Down! ;D
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Post by Mirabilis on Apr 20, 2009 9:39:30 GMT -5
To-day's Groaner is a video. See Worthing, England's own "Disco Trev" strut his stuff for a preliminary round of "Britain's Got Talent!" Click here to ... Boogie Down! ;D That's hilarious....and terrifying at the same time!!!
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Post by Aedh on Apr 21, 2009 4:39:35 GMT -5
One morning McTavish's bicycle chain broke, and he realised he's have to take a 'bus into town. So he walked down to his local stop and waited until one came by. He asked the conductor how much the fare was. "50p," said that worthy.
"Ach!" exclaimed McTavish. "Naw thanks! I'll gae be'ind ye a wee I think." So McTavish ran along behind the 'bus until it got to its next stop.
"Noo ha' much is th' fare tae toon?" asked McTavish when it stopped again.
"It's still 50p," said the conductor. "Naw thanks," said McTavish, and ran along behind the bus again.
When it got to its next top a mile later, a panting McTavish asked the fare a third time.
"60p," said the conductor. "This bus is currently outbound."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 21, 2009 4:46:57 GMT -5
Hamish's sweetheart told him she didn't like men who weren't clever, and she'd agree to marry him if he could show her something.
It was terribly far gone when Hamish brought her back, and her father appeared at the top of the stairs bursting with rage. "Did Ah nae hear th' clock strike four chust noo?!!" he yelled.
"Naw," said Hamish. "Ye heard it gae tae strike eleven, but I grabbed the gong and held it because I didnae want it to disturb ye."
They were married six months later!
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Post by Aedh on Apr 21, 2009 22:32:45 GMT -5
In the Northern Highlands, an impatient fanner knocked at the door of neighbouring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered.
"Is your father in?" asked the neighbour.
"No," said the daughter. "He's at market in Inverness. If it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is fifty pounds."
"No it's not that," said the neighbour.
"Well," said the daughter, ""If it's the Galloway belted bull you want, it's forty pounds."
"No, it's not that," said the neighbour.
"How about the small Highland bull?" asked the daughter. "The service of that bull is only thirty pounds."
The neighbour shouted: "That's not what I've come about!! Your brother Jock has made my daughter Maggie pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it!!"
"Oh, well," said the daughter. "You'll have to see my father yourself. I don't know what he charges for Jock."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 21, 2009 22:35:35 GMT -5
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a tightrope?
A: The tightrope sometimes gives.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 22, 2009 22:19:18 GMT -5
McDonald was on a trip to America, in New York City, and remembered he had a cousin in Springfield. He went to Grand Central Station and asked for a ticket.
"Which Springfield?" asked the clerk. "The one in Illinois, the one in Missouri, or the one in Massachusetts?"
Confident in his family instinct, McDonald snapped back, "Whiche'er's the cheapest!!"
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Post by Aedh on Apr 22, 2009 22:47:56 GMT -5
JOCK: "Hey Angus! Ha' ye e'er seen wan o' they machines that can catch ye when ye're tellin' a lie?"
ANGUS: "Seen one Jock?? Ah've bin married tae one for thirty years!!"
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Post by Aedh on Apr 23, 2009 11:43:51 GMT -5
One 'middle-age-plus' Scots wife was saying to another, "How's your Malcolm daein' these days? Ah heard he wis took awfy bad in th' chest with th' flu."
"Thanks, Annie, he's better. In fact he's got a job ringin' th' bell at th' kirk."
"Why'd he take that? There's not much pay in it surely?"
"Naw, but the hours are fine, and there's a free grave in it."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 28, 2009 6:52:57 GMT -5
Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A; Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes. And doesn't.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 28, 2009 6:54:48 GMT -5
Q: What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road, and a dead Country-Western singer in the road?
A: The country singer might have been on his way to a recording session.
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Post by Aedh on Apr 29, 2009 12:07:18 GMT -5
Next I'll relate some authentic Scots stories, as passed down from old Scottish sources. They may be true, or not ... but like all good stories, if they're not true, one would wish they were. Here's one ...
Campbell of Combie was an Argyllshire chieftain of the nineteenth century, a man of great physical stature, but, it was said, of correspondingly low moral principles. Not far away lived Miss MacNabb, a maiden lady of a certain age and of irreproachable morals. Combie was an occasional guest at her table, and, on one such occasion, he proposed a toast.
All the guests were required to fill their glasses to the brim, ready to drain them off in the old style, and Combie rose to his feet. Addressing his hostess, he said, "I propose the old Scottish toast of Honest men and bonnie lassies," and with a bow he resumed his seat.
Miss MacNabb bowed in turn, with her usual amiable smile, and said, taking up her glass, "Weel, Combji, I am sure we may both drink to that, for it will apply neither to you nor to me."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 30, 2009 0:11:20 GMT -5
Lord Seafield may or may not be remembered as the pro-Union Chancellor of Scotland in the last independent Scottish Parliament. It was he who made the famous comment about ‘ane end of ane auld sang’ in 1707.
As they say, some years after the Union, Seafield reproached his brother, Patrick Ogilvie, for pursuing the low career of cattle trader. Patrick is said to have replied: "It’s better to sell cattle than nations."
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Post by Aedh on Apr 30, 2009 22:39:52 GMT -5
Whisky is still associated with funerals in Scotland, but at one time it was a part of the ritual that could not be dispensed with under threat of disgrace.
At one time back in the age of steam, there was a Hebridean island, very small, hosting only a fishing village, and there an old woman passed away one midwinter. Storms had lashed the area, preventing the packet from landing to replenish much-needed items of all sorts, including whisky from the mainland, and supplies were too low for the woman's son to hold a proper burial.
She was properly laid out in preparation, but day after day, he watched the horizon for the sought-after plume of smoke to no avail. Finally he was advised that--given the circumstances--local opinion might relax somewhat on the matter of the whisky, but he refused to compromise, saying: "She's auld and it's cauld, and she's thin and she'll keep."
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