Amie
Resistance Member
Posts: 32
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Post by Amie on Dec 17, 2005 18:51:41 GMT -5
Do you think you can post your story here on the boards, fantact? That way it will be more accessible to those who come to the boards. ;D
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Post by fantact on Dec 18, 2005 12:42:00 GMT -5
No comments? Please ignore bad grammar and focus on the story, my grammar sux and i know it, but i am norwegian so it should be an accepted excuse
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lilly23
Resistance Member
Acolyte Robin Meredith
Posts: 27
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Post by lilly23 on Dec 18, 2005 23:27:33 GMT -5
Not bad story at all, please post more soon...
lilly23 author of story My Watcher.
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Post by fantact on Dec 19, 2005 6:22:45 GMT -5
When its done
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Post by mawa on Dec 21, 2005 8:57:02 GMT -5
Ok, maybe some technical details first. I wouldn't call that story a novel. It's way too short. I'd say it's a story. I pasted it in Microsoft Word, removed the enormous gaps and the outcome was 14 pages, in Times New Roman 12. Probably every single EQ fiction here on boards is longer than this. Ok, and now off we go to the content. There are some interesting settings. There are even some traces of mood of the world in decline. The form of journal is pretty interesting. The character of a depressed assassin has a lot of potential as well. But this story needs a lot of work. I'm not talking about grammar here, because English isn't my first language as well. But I'm talking about style. It's clearly immature and it can be improved. Ok, now an example: We now stood but a meter from each other.
I drew one of my guns with my left hand, with the katana readied in the right. I shot at him 3 times before I realised he was gone.
But the noise he made when he charged from behind was enough to parry his assault once more, but this time I had my gun too.
But he had armour, and the bullet ricocheted into a tree.
And so he stopped. Gazed upon me, as a vulture.
Steam went out of the helmet as he took it off.
His face was scarred and undistinguishable.
He was about to talk.
But then his head exploded in a bloody puddle spraying brain matter and chips of cranium.
If possible, try to make bit longer sentences. If they are too long, it is no good as well. But, if two short sentences are possible to connect, than do it. Besides, some expressions are bit awkward. Now, here's the version of the example redone by me: We now stood but a meter from each other. I drew one of my guns with my left hand, with the katana readied in the right. I shot at him three times before I realised he was gone.
But I heard the noise he made when he charged from behind and I managed to parry his assault once more. Moreover, this time I had my gun.
The bullet ricocheted off his armor into a tree.
Unexpectedly, the assailant stopped and gazed upon me, as a vulture. Steam went out of the helmet as he took it off. His face was scarred and undistinguishable.
He was about to talk, when suddenly his head exploded in a bloody puddle spraying brain matter and chips of cranium.
Don't be discouraged. The story has some potential that's worth working on. Don't give up
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Post by fantact on Dec 21, 2005 11:49:19 GMT -5
Thank you very very much! This is very helpful too me, and i will implement your changes when i start writing again. Tip much appreciated!
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Post by Witcher Wolf on Dec 21, 2005 12:03:04 GMT -5
MaWa is a suprisingly good writer and always gives a good level of feedback. I'm glad you're going to take her suggestions on board as well fantact, as she said: Don't give up
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Post by fantact on Dec 21, 2005 18:28:59 GMT -5
Her tips where quite helpful! So ill take it all into consideration. Ill do the best i can with my limited vocabulary
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Post by Witcher Wolf on Dec 21, 2005 19:48:34 GMT -5
Every path begins with a single step The more you learn about 'how to write' and take tips from other authors, the better you'll become. It is when someone says: I have no room for improvement, that the trouble starts. I've been published numerous times in different kinds of ways/media and yet I still believe that I have room for improvement
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Post by fantact on Dec 22, 2005 7:13:34 GMT -5
Everyone has room for improvement, thats just the way it is, but your novels are damn good clericwolf.
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Post by Witcher Wolf on Dec 22, 2005 17:05:09 GMT -5
Heh. I have just the one novel (that's available) at the moment, it will see print next year hopefully however. Thank you There's still a fair bit to post on Wyrden.
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Post by fantact on Dec 23, 2005 13:10:00 GMT -5
sorry typo
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Post by fantact on Feb 14, 2006 13:38:01 GMT -5
NEW: I have rewritten the prolouge.
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