|
|
Post by TheMacroprosopus on Feb 13, 2005 18:43:10 GMT -5
I was told by one of my teachers about a contest in my province for writings of all forms. But, if I were to submit something for the Creative Writing section, it has to be less than, or equal to, 1500 words. The story I want to submit is 1753. I was hoping you guys could help me knock a couple hundred words off it...
The story is as follows.... (put in separate post for 10000 character limit)
|
|
|
|
Post by TheMacroprosopus on Feb 13, 2005 18:43:33 GMT -5
The man stood before a low brick wall, separated by a large archway. He knew he was crossing the threshold, as it said so in wrought iron above the archway. Even before he entered the twisted realm before him, he could see that this land was unlike any he had beheld before. The sky was purple, and the trees were almost black. Also, not one tree differed from the next; all were thin pine. As he stepped through the archway, he realized that the path on which he was to walk was purple like the sky, as if there were no up or down.
He continued on through the trees, following an invisible path. He walked uneasily at first, as he could not be sure that there was, in fact, a ground to walk on. It looked as though there were clouds below him. The only way he knew that he was on the ground was by seeing that the trees were standing up right.
Abruptly, the land changed, and he found himself walking down a long beige marble foyer, with at least thirty massive stone pillars running down the left and right sides. It was like he appeared in this place, as he did not recall walking into it of his own accord. He walked to the end of the marble, to find that there was a dark red line separating the marble floor from what looked like a completely different world beyond. The sky was blood red, and the ground was black, with cracks splitting the surface. Flame could be faintly seen and heard emanating from the cracks. He knew not to cross the border, but could not bring himself to think of why. But somewhere in his mind was the knowledge that on the other side of that thin border, where the ground turned from beige to black, there was pain; that if he were to cross that border, there would be pain. Had he looked to the right of the black land, he would see another path, very much like the marble foyer he was standing in presently. However, there was a light haze, which appeared to be a pane of glass.
He turned around and saw between two of the pillars a small dirt path. There was no surrounding though; just blackness. As if he were walking in a tunnel. He came to the end of this path and saw a massive meadow unfold before him. An inconceivably dark forest surrounded the meadow on all sides. Although there was nothing but the grass, flowers, and blue sky that always inhabit a meadow of this kind, he was overwhelmed by a huge feeling of love. He knew that at the other end of the meadow lay true, unending love, but no matter how far he walked, the end was never nearer. Becoming slightly frustrated with this fruitless march, he turned, and headed into the forest.
From the middle of the meadow, the forest seemed darker than anything ever seen by man, but when inside, he saw that it was brightly lit. The sky had returned to being anything but blue, but it was no longer the menacing red of the place in which he dared not tread. Nor was it the purple of the entrance. Now, it was comforting dark green, much like the leaves of the trees, which had changed from pine to those that are found in almost every forest. However, as comforting as the forest felt, he could sense hundreds of eyes staring at him out of the darkness beyond the trees before him. He could see shadows, creeping just out of detailed sight, that could not possibly belong to another human being. As the comforting feeling left him, he moved on, walking briskly.
Glancing behind him, he did not see that the forest ended abruptly in a cliff. He found himself falling hundreds of feet, to land softly in a huge body of water. Without thinking, he knew that he did not have to worry about oxygen. He swam deep below the surface, keeping many kinds of sea creatures as his company. However, one beast was not as kind as the others. It lurked in the dark behind him, watching, waiting. Suddenly, it bolted past the man, and turned into his path. It had deep black eyes, a small head filled with sharp teeth, a long neck, and a large egg shaped body. Its fins were equipped with razor sharp serations. As the man held his position in horror, the beast brought its head down to stare directly into the man’s eyes. It was then that he realized that he had met the thing that should not be. No matter how he tried to move around it, the beast blocked him. Finally, he turned around and swam the other way. The creature, being much faster, regained its position in front of him. The man managed to escape by continuing this until he came to a small piece of land. He climbed out of the water with the beast right behind him, snapping at the ankles of his pants.
The sky above the water was pitch black, but it turned a light grey above the island. The small island that he had found contained nothing but a few trees and a dock. Attached to the dock was a small wooden boat, with a light hanging from a stick at the bow. The man climbed into the boat, and seeing that there were no paddles, pushed off to float. He floated for what seemed like hours, until he came to a mainland area. Gothically cut stone stairs lay not one hundred feet from the shore, leading to something out of view. The sky had returned to the light grey of the small island, but it seemed somewhat more threatening, as thought it were about to rain heavily. The climb was tiring, but not as much as he had expected. When he reached the top, he was greeted by a massive stone structure, looking like either a church or a castle. Fearing what was inside, he walked past the front doors. However, as he looked up to view the full front of the building, he saw one of the stone gargoyle’s heads turn to watch him. Its right arm raised and it clawed at the air menacingly. Shivering with fright, the man carried on. Behind the building, he came across a courtyard, which had in its centre a large wooden gazebo. He heard it first before he saw it; instruments without musicians, playing the music they were meant to play: a sweetly haunting piece. When he looked directly at the objects producing such a beautiful sound, he could see nothing but the instruments themselves, suspended in mid-air. Were he to look slightly away, keeping the instruments in his peripheral view, he could see the faded white projections of what were once souls wrapped in living tissue. Their garb was that of mid seventeenth century France. Without speaking, he thanked them, and each one nodded in accommodation.
A gate stood before him now, and he passed through it. The path that lay before him was strange, but it did not scare him, after all he had just seen. It was a yellowish dirt, but there was nothing surrounding it. Nothing at all. Simply air. It was as if he had walked into an immense glass ball, filled with clouds and this path. The path was a curvy one, but unconventionally. Sideways loops, like corkscrews, composed the majority of it, giving the impression that one was to walk upside down throughout parts of this trek. Looking up and down in this large bubble, he could see that the sky was a light pink, with small wisps of cloud floating randomly. Slowly he stepped out onto the path, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the fact that there was nothing to hold onto. As he approached the first loop, he debated turning around, but thought about his past encounters and continued on. He moved to his hands and knees to begin crawling, but found that it was not necessary, as it was apparent that gravity functioned on all parts of the path.
After a short while, he found himself at the other end of the bubble, looking at a large rectangular doorway. Beyond it, he could see the familiar purple sky and ground. Thinking he had found his way out, he walked forward. He walked for sometime, but could not see The Threshold ahead of him. Looking up, he saw it hanging upside down above him. Looking around, he quickly realized that he was walking on the sky. However, it had the same kind of invisible platform as the ground that was now seemingly above him.
Turning, he saw a new doorway several yards from him. He walked through, and found himself in a foyer quite the same as the one he saw previously. But, there was a difference, there was a wall at each end. He walked to the far end, not looking at it. Instead, he looked up at what the pillars were supporting. Some were decorative, as they rose up and just stopped, holding nothing. The others were keeping a massive slab of stone from falling on top of him. This stone was engraved with a great many intricate carvings, some of angels, some of demons. It appeared to depict the war between good and evil. As he was not looking ahead of him, he did not see that he was slowly approaching the border that he had determined never to cross. However, it would not have mattered, as the toll of the trek finally hit him full force and his eyes bleared in exhaustion. Furthermore, the haze that he would have seen from the other foyer made it impossible to see the black ground split by flame. He began to stumble with fatigue, and he tripped right through the barrier, which was only there for appearance. He stepped over the border and landed on the large chunks of blackened rock. Immediately, his body coursed with an unimaginable amount of pain. When he tried to scream, nothing came out. He tried to cry, but no tears would fall. He could no longer move to get away from the pain. He was forced to remain like this for all of his mental eternity, only finding salvation when his physical body died.
Thus, human beings become lost within themselves, never to escape.
|
|
|
|
Post by Witcher Wolf on Feb 15, 2005 4:05:34 GMT -5
Brace yourself Stupon  It's a very interesting story you've devised there, which has a good level of description and the narrative is pretty smooth. There are a couple of places where you could do with removing a few words here and there. A few commas and so forth which actually stint the flow. You also need to break up your paragraphs a lot more since they're a bit too big in places. |
|
|
|
Post by Sontin-JudasFm on Feb 15, 2005 4:06:41 GMT -5
I was told by one of my teachers about a contest in my province for writings of all forms. But, if I were to submit something for the Creative Writing section, it has to be less than, or equal to, 1500 words. The story I want to submit is 1753. I was hoping you guys could help me knock a couple hundred words off it... The story is as follows.... (put in separate post for 10000 character limit)  The man stood before a low brick wall, split by a large archway with The Threshold written above it in wrought iron. Even before he entered the twisted realm ahead, he could see that this land was unlike any he had beheld before. The sky was purple, and the pine trees within identical and almost black. As he stepped through the archway, he realized that the path on which he was to walk was purple like the sky, as if there were no up or down. He continued on through the trees, uneasily at first, following an invisible path. The only way he could tell for certain that he was on the ground and not the sky was by seeing that all the trees were standing upright. Abruptly, the land changed, and he found himself walking down a long beige marble foyer, with at least thirty massive stone pillars running down both sides. He must have appeared in this place, as he did not recall walking into it of his own accord. At the end of the foyer, he found a dark red line separating the marble floor from what looked like a completely different world beyond. The sky was blood red, and the ground black and cracked. Flames could be faintly seen and heard emanating from within. He knew not to cross the border, but couldn't think of why. However, somewhere in his mind was the knowledge that if he were to cross that border, where the ground turned from beige to black, there would be pain. Had he looked to the right of the black land, he would see another path, very much like the marble foyer he was standing in presently. However, there was a light haze, which appeared to be a pane of glass. He turned around and walked between two of the pillars down a small dirt path like a tunnel. At the end of this path, he saw a massive meadow unfold before him, surrounded by an inconceivably dark forest. Although there was nothing but the grass, flowers, and blue sky that always inhabit a meadow of this kind, he was overwhelmed by a huge feeling of love. He knew that at the other end of the meadow lay true, unending love, but no matter how far he walked, the end was never nearer. Becoming slightly frustrated with this fruitless march, he turned and headed into the forest. From the middle of the meadow, the forest seemed darker than anything ever seen by man, but inside he saw that it was brightly lit. The sky was not the menacing red of the place where he dared not tread, nor the purple of the entrance, but a comforting dark green, much like the leaves of the trees. However, as comforting as it felt, he could sense hundreds of unseen eyes staring at him and see shadows, creeping just out of detailed sight, that could not possibly belong to another human being. As the comforting feeling left him, he moved on briskly. Glancing behind him, he did not see that the forest ended abruptly in a cliff until he found himself falling hundreds of feet to land softly in an ocean. He knew instinctively that he did not have to worry about oxygen and swam deep below the surface, along with many kinds of sea creatures. However, one beast was not as friendly as the others. It lurked in the dark behind him, watching, waiting. Suddenly, it bolted past the man, and turned into his path. It had a large egg shaped body and fins equipped with razor sharp serrations. As the man froze in horror, the beast brought its small, tooth-filled head down to stare directly into the man’s eyes with its own cold black ones. It was then that he realized that he had met the thing that should not be. No matter how he tried to move around it, the beast blocked him. Finally, he turned around and swam the other way. The creature, being much faster, regained its position in front of him. The man managed to escape by continuing this until he came to a small piece of land and scrambled out of the water with the beast right behind him, snapping at his heels. The sky above the water was pitch black, but turned a light grey above the island, which contained nothing but a few trees and a dock with a small wooden boat attached to it, a light hanging from a stick at the bow. The man climbed into the boat, and seeing that there were no paddles, pushed off to float. After what seemed like hours, he came to a mainland area. Gothically cut stone stairs lay not one hundred feet from the shore, leading to something out of view, and he started to climb them. The sky had returned to the light grey of the small island, but seemed somewhat more threatening, like it was about to rain heavily. When he reached the top, he was greeted by a massive stone structure like a castle, with gargoyles placed at regular intervals along the parapets. Fearing what was inside, he walked past the front doors and looked up to view the full front of the building. As he did so, he saw one of the stone gargoyles turn its head to watch him. Its right arm raised and it clawed at the air menacingly. Shivering with fright, the man carried on until he came across a courtyard, with a large wooden gazebo in the centre. He heard it first before he saw it; instruments without musicians, playing a sweetly haunting piece. When he looked directly at the objects producing such a beautiful sound, he could see nothing but the instruments themselves, suspended in mid-air. Looking at them through his peripheral vision, he could see the faded white projections of what were once souls wrapped in living tissue. Their garb was that of mid seventeenth-century France. Without speaking, he thanked them, and they nodded in acknowledgment. A gate stood before him now, and he passed through it. The path that lay before him was strange, but did not scare him after all he had just seen. It was a yellowish dirt, surrounded by nothing except empty air. It was as if he had walked into an immense glass ball which contained only clouds and this path. The path was curvy in an unconventional way; sideways corkscrew loops comprised most of it, giving the impression that one was to walk upside down throughout parts of this trek. Looking up and down in this large bubble, he could see that the sky was a light pink, with small wisps of cloud floating randomly. Slowly he stepped out onto the path, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the fact that there was nothing to hold onto. As he approached the first loop, he debated turning around, but thought about his past encounters and continued on, finding he could walk upside-down with no trouble. After a short while, he found himself at the other end of the bubble, looking at a large rectangular doorway. Beyond it, he could see the familiar purple sky and ground. Thinking he had found the exit, he walked forward for some time until he looked up, saw it hanging upside down above him and realized he was walking on the sky. Turning, he saw a new doorway several yards from him. He walked through, and found himself in a foyer almost identical to the previous one, except for the wall at each end. He walked to the far one and looked up to see what the pillars were supporting. Some were decorative, as they rose up and just stopped, holding nothing. The others were keeping a massive slab of stone from falling on top of him, one which was engraved with a great many intricate carvings, some of angels, some of demons. It appeared to depict the war between good and evil. As he was not looking ahead of him, he did not see that he was slowly approaching the border that he had determined never to cross. However, it would not have mattered, as the toll of the trek finally hit him full force and his eyes bleared in exhaustion. Furthermore, the haze that he would have seen from the other foyer made it impossible to see the border in question. He began to stumble with fatigue, and he tripped right through the barrier – which was only there for appearance – and landed on the large chunks of blackened rock. Immediately, unimaginable pain coursed through his body. When he tried to scream, nothing came out. He tried to cry, but no tears would fall. He could no longer move to escape the pain. He was forced to remain like this for all of his mental eternity, only finding salvation when his physical body died. Thus, human beings become lost within themselves, never to escape. Okay, 1500 words exactly  If you don't like the way I trimmed it, that's fine, I won't be offended  I have to say that I love the concept behind this story; can I ask what the inspiration was?
Good luck in the contest and please keep us all posted!  |
|
|
|
Post by TheMacroprosopus on Feb 15, 2005 9:49:32 GMT -5
Heh, I just woke up myself (evident in the fact that I almost spelt "woke" "wpke". Not good.) I'm gonna go over this probably at school, cuz I gotta get ready to go there in a minute. But, I can answer the question of inspiration real quick. Just before writing this, I had read about half of the book called "Tales of H.P. Lovecraft". ...There was something else that had sparked this idea...but I can't remember it at the moment. I think the visual concept from What Dreams May Come (with Robin Williams) was part of it, as well.
Oh right! Primal. I'm not sure why, but the musicians came, abstractly, from the game. Again, it was most likely the visual style behind the vampiric characters.
So, yeah... Thanks in advance for the help! I'll check it over in about an hour and 13 minutes...
|
|
|
|
Post by Witcher Wolf on Feb 15, 2005 10:00:02 GMT -5
Primal!
Now that was a top notch story based enthralling game!
|
|
|
|
Post by skippythegator on Feb 15, 2005 10:06:36 GMT -5
I don't think I could edit it any shorter than Judas already has, so I'll just say it was quite entertaining. You did capture that Lovecraft atmosphere edit: sorry my bad... |
|
|
|
Post by Sontin-JudasFm on Feb 15, 2005 10:07:34 GMT -5
Just before writing this, I had read about half of the book called "Tales of H.P. Lovecraft". So, yeah... Thanks in advance for the help! I'll check it over in about an hour and 13 minutes... Tales of H.P. Lovecraft...I keep wondering whether I should read that book or not. Based on this, I think it's definitely got to be worth a try ;D And you're more than welcome |
|
|
|
Post by Witcher Wolf on Feb 15, 2005 10:08:04 GMT -5
I don't think I could edit it any shorter than Wolf already has, so I'll just say it was quite entertaining. You did capture that Lovecraft atmosphere Judas did the edit, I was going to but she did it while I was editing it...so I moved onto something else |
|
|
|
Post by skippythegator on Feb 15, 2005 10:18:11 GMT -5
sorry sorry my bad it's past midnight here and my eyes are falling shut. Great work Judas! |
|
|
|
Post by TheMacroprosopus on Feb 15, 2005 11:57:35 GMT -5
Primal! Now that was a top notch story based enthralling game! I could not agree more. My only complaint with the whole thing was the glitch in the underwater part where I went through a wall and couldn't get back in. It woulda been wise to have saved more often... Oops. Tales of H.P. Lovecraft...I keep wondering whether I should read that book or not. Based on this, I think it's definitely got to be worth a try ;D And you're more than welcome I had to take it back after I'd finished Call of Cthulhu (I think that's where I left off...), but yes, I do suggest it. That guy was broken, and it worked so well for him. And, your edit is fucking amazing. Thank you SO much!! |
|
|
|
Post by Sontin-JudasFm on Feb 15, 2005 13:08:25 GMT -5
I had to take it back after I'd finished Call of Cthulhu (I think that's where I left off...), but yes, I do suggest it. That guy was broken, and it worked so well for him. And, your edit is fucking amazing. Thank you SO much!! Hmm...I wondered where I'd seen Lovecraft's name mentioned with Cthulhu's  I definitely have to read that book ;D And I'm glad the edit worked for you as well; like I say, please keep us posted on that and good luck |
|
If you don't like the way I trimmed it, that's fine, I won't be offended 
I have to say that I love the concept behind this story; can I ask what the inspiration was? 
