Aftermath - Equilibrium Fanfic Pt 2

[Slater]

Jocelyn, Erick, Darrel, Kerth, Adren and other non movie characters (c) L. Seaton
All movie characters (c) Kurt Wimmer

Jocelyn paced infront of the door of the room where her mother and Erick were, talking to Darrel DuPont. She was dressed casually now, in a form fitting pair of black trousers and a white shirt tucked into them. Her brown hair fell down around her face and her hands were latched behind her back. The silence from the room was disturbing her, she was expecting her mothers protesting shouts and Ericks calming tones as he tried to be the peace keeper between her mother, Lisa, and Darrel.

Turning round to pace back across the doorway she stepped right into Adren who was dressed more casually than Jocelyn had ever seen him. She swallowed slightly and nodded to him.

"Adren.." She half whispered then straightened up slightly head straightening and for the first time she noticed Kerth behind him. Swallowing hard she stepped back and turned meaning to go to a chair but Adren caught her wrist before she could take a step, and pulled her backwards into him.
"Jocelyn, we need you... we're going under cover to find the prozium dealers... you're the best tracker of the lot of us... we need you with us..." Adren leand down whispering the final word in her ear "Please..."

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Shivvering slightly Jocelyn pulled her scarf further up over her jaw and her hood further down her face. Her gaze slid to Adren who's arm was around her middle, half asleep in the back of the car which Kerth drove. She smiled softly and pulled the scarf down kissing his forehead before pulling it back up over the bottom half of her face again.

"Careful cleric... you arent meant to have relationships with your partners..." Kerth's voice floated back to her not taking his eyes from the road.
"Kerth, if I wanted you to meddle in things I would have asked you to, as it is... keep driving and dont get involved in things that are none of your business." Jocelyn half snapped her voice low eyes glinting in the darkness.
"Ok you two, stop going at each others throats..." Adren sat up slowly as the car pulled to a halt. "We're here"

The door to the car swang open and Jocelyn slid out, followed by Adren who's hand rested on her hip as he guided her towards a building on the top of a hill infront of them. It had been, in the

times when the lands around New Libria had still been in use, a ware house, now it served a darker purpose.

"Ok you two, remember, we are able to get to New Libria's Water supply and corrupt it with Prozium, we have this clearance because we are members of the Tetragrammaton." Adren ran through the plan quietly as they walked towards the building. Jocelyn only half listened catching the most important factors of what she needed to know and ignoring the rest, including 'Under no circumstances are you to kill anyone'.

Once they reached the door Adren knocked heavily on it with a gloved hand, stepping back a spy-hole in the door slid open and a dark brown iris, surrounded by bloodshot white sclera sitting in a sea of dark skin appeared.

"We're here about the water sabotage..." Adren said as calmly as if he wasnt acting a part. There was a muffled grunt from behind the door then the screech of metal before it swung open, leaving a gaping black hole into which the three clerics stepped.

[JenGe]

Excellent but that wasn't the end was it?? I want more...

[Slater]

Nope, planning out what actually happens to them as we speak

[JenGe]

OK, I'll stop worrying.

[mawa]

Hm... I'll start from few technical remarks:

• If you are going to post another installment, don't post it in seperate thread. Post it in one thread and change the name of the thread to Your_FanFiction (updated DD.MM) ( by modifying the 1st post and typing new thread in the Subject line ). It's easier than searching for separate thread. Mind, that Jen linked the thread with your 1st installment in the Sense Offence section. It's better to keep things in one place
  
• I'd suggest you to put longer installments. Merely 1 page in Word isn't enough to get into story. And it also doesn't make commenting easy, since I'm not sure how will the story turn out.
  

As for the story itself (I've read both parts): it needs some additional work. I have a feeling that something is not working there. Let me point it out:

• The Characters - At the moment they seem boring. I don't know anything about them beside the facts that they are Clerics. Choose a main character, focus on him, give him some attention. Try to arouse reader's interest. You may show how your characters deals with his tasks, what is his attitude. Try to show him through his deeds, not writing "He was a noble, honest, caring man". Reader has to feel that the character is believable, in order to like him. Don't forget about deepening the other characters as well. It'll make the story more interesting, believe me!
  
• The World - I can't visualise it. Literally. I know only it's the New Libria. It would be great if you'd show some background of its birth, its current situation. On the other hand the story is too short to have the world fully developed. But try to create a background for your story, place it in some reality. Now it seems to happen in void. Read Cleric Wolf's "Ashes" and see, how it can be done. It's vivid. It's almost cinematic.
  

To sum it up: the story has some potential, but you need to develop it. If you are determined to finish it, I'd be glad to give you some feedback & advice ( not that I think I'm the greatest writer in the universe, but I think I've learned a few things ). Just send me a PM.