Post by Witcher Wolf on Sept 3, 2007 14:21:06 GMT -5
Warning, this contains a game review rant by yours truly that has profanity and downright rude behaviour targetted towards the developers and the game: Two Worlds. Caution, if you like this game don't even look below!
If you want a good old fashioned rant and chuckle, by all means do.
I don't often write reviews on forums for games, because I do a lot of that for real…however…I am compelled to write a review of a certain game. It's called Two Worlds and it's hailed as the best thing since Oblivion. This spoken behind closed doors by Publishers and mostly in German to boot.
What? I hear you ask, surely, no! No game can triumph against the awesome majesty that is an open-world epic action roleplaying game like this, except for maybe Fallout 3 but several juries are still out on this one, especially from the fans of the game.
No! Two Worlds is probably one of the worst games I have ever had the unfortunate eye-stabbing brain-convulsing terror of playing. I can't begin to describe in coherent words that don't contain a plethora of swearing and profanity what an unmitigated cluster-fucking shitpile of useless game code and half-arsed art that this sorry excuse for electronic entertainment is.
It's like masturbation only done by a person who's holding your e-penis in one hand and rubbing acid-tinged lube on it with the other, all the while they're shouting quotes from 1930's Blaxsploitation movies and putting on a pair of rubber gloves covered in shards of very sharp glass wrapped in barbed wire. You just know that in a second from now they're going to put that hand where the sun doesn't shine and give your tonsils some love from beyond. Two Worlds is kind of like that in many ways.
From the first moment you see the opening cut-scene and listen to the terribly voiced dialogue you know it's time to take out the disc, catch a plane to Amsterdam and pay a high-class hooker to tread on it with her high heels whilst you videotape the whole thing to put on YouTube. It might cost a little and be somewhat excessive for a game like this but in the end, knowing that thousands of real roleplaying game fans seeing this will whoop and holler in delight is worth the cost of admission.
When you drop out of the cut-scene you are treated to the first glimpse of the game, a dark and forbidding dank and somewhat badly designed interior. It's like there's a crappy dungeon builder's team that goes around putting these things in the ground. Oh we need an evil lair, stick one over there guvnor, the trolls won't mind, they're too busy singing the praises of the game over at the Oblivion forums. After you follow a bit of a tutorial you end up fighting a couple of orc-like things and learning that combat is about as exciting as watching re-runs of a favourite TV show after having your eyes ripped out by rabid monkeys.
After you've searched the corpses of your enemies and restored most of your health, then you get the glory of being allowed outside. After the screen grinds to a halt for a bit and the door opens, you can see a wonderful vista and open-world laid out before you, the excitement mounts rather like the sound of the whirring disc in the drive before the whole game comes grinding to a halt for a few seconds whilst it argues with the CPU on how to render a tiny blade of grass and a flower.
Never the less you push on, hoping that it's going to get better. Oh, wonder by wonders, there's a pack of generic wolves over there. Here’s an idea lets go and slaughter them to increase our experience value, that'll be fun. Wait, no, they're boars and I'm almost dead. Run away, no, can't run away because the game jerks a little and one of these boars hits me from half a mile away with a sneaky boar-only Jedi bastard backstab attack.
I drink a healing potion completely by accident and flail around for a few moments, buy enough time to escape and leg it back to the safety of the slightly dodgy looking dungeon like building where I started. When I feel brave enough to return to the lands above I stride out making sure there are no hot girls looking (there are no hot girls in this, except your sister, and she's not exactly hot unless people like pale skinned zombie-Quasimodo like women in their action/RPGs.)
I approach a person who is apparently waiting for me on the road, walking up towards him I expect to be transported to a mythical world of medieval quests and adventures. Fuck that, no, Two Worlds is going to make even the dialogue and conversation system a chore for me to get through.
Two Worlds sounds like it was written by a bunch of students whose only exposure to Olde English has been from badly acted LARP characters, certain faux-medieval romance novels and terribly acted Dark Ages porn. Verily, forsooth I say it to you, prey nonnie nonnie ho what?
I kid you not.
There are far too many medieval by-words that they've lifted off the good old Bard himself than are good for a game like this. A few and it sounds all right, but every fucking few words there's a forsooth and a verily, nay and so on. It's like a fucking convention for balding playwrights descended upon the room broke out a couple of heavy duty spliffs and wrote a Midsummer Nightmare's Dream whilst completely stoned.
The voice acting is likewise terrible with each word spoken by a souless canditate for: Wall of the Year. Some walls speak their dialogue in better and more colourful ways, especially the ones covered in Graffiti.
After I've managed to get this far. I dredge through that dialogue until I can go to some fucking shitty town to get the next clue. On the way I bump into more orc-like things that kick my ass even after I level up. I resurrect at a shrine and go back to bitchslap their asses some more. I do not suck as this game, I tell you, and I'd be able to fight if it didn't turn into a slideshow at every opportunity on both the PC and the console version!!!
There are only three things that Two Worlds has going for it.
• Vaguely interesting character customisation system with skills to upgrade/tweak.
• Item creation system via alchemy and combining materials.
• The ability to upgrade weapons by clicking and dragging the weapon over the top of a green-glowing weapon or item.
That's it, that's the only thing. I mean it sounds great on the box, expansive world, blistering action and brilliant gameplay. It's the kind of dream that can only be cooked up by German PR who is off their tits on some very heavy drugs indeed. I mean I wouldn't even call this half-arsed piece of shitty code completed and the game's hit retail on several platforms now!
An open-ended expansive world that lies, not the little lies that you can blame on the dog or SO, we're talking the dirty great lies that leave your pants brimming with the kind of excrement that can only come out of the box of such a cruddy game. These are the lies that Governments tell whilst secretly they videotape you having a shit so they can see if it comes out in the colours of your Nation's flag!
I walk down the road and a minute later for about 14 seconds there's a sudden loading icon that pops up. We're not talking a little load here people we're talking a load that stops the game dead in the middle of what you're doing, if you're in combat and taking damage, it's GAME STOP FRAMERATE LOADING TIME!
I can now imagine a giant banana dancing in and singing that. Thank you very fucking much Brian from Family Guy.
Ooh YEAH oooH YEAH!
It's GAME STOP FRAMERATE LOADING TIME!!!
Yes…I'm done, I'm done with this shitty game and I'm not even going to use it as a coaster. It doesn't deserve the honour of being used to prevent my mug from scratching the wife's nice mahogany and teak coffee table. It deserves to be ground into dust and that dust deserves to be put into a furnace, that furnace loaded into another furnace and then shipped off to a secret place never to be seen again.
Either that or the game deserves to be locked away in a wooden box like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. When PR asks you 'where's the Two Worlds review' you can smile smugly and say: it's being looked at by Top Men.
Who?
Top Men…
To summarise: If the flicker-book jerky framerate and God Awful models that look as though they're not so much animated, as electrocuted weren't enough to put you off then imagine this. Two Worlds is the equivalent of sitting down for hours to watch back-to-back every film that Uwe Boll has ever made, whilst some sadistic midget in a tutu plays low pitched white-noise hissing into a pair of speakers behind you and recites every line of the game backwards.
You have been warned.
If you want a good old fashioned rant and chuckle, by all means do.
I don't often write reviews on forums for games, because I do a lot of that for real…however…I am compelled to write a review of a certain game. It's called Two Worlds and it's hailed as the best thing since Oblivion. This spoken behind closed doors by Publishers and mostly in German to boot.
What? I hear you ask, surely, no! No game can triumph against the awesome majesty that is an open-world epic action roleplaying game like this, except for maybe Fallout 3 but several juries are still out on this one, especially from the fans of the game.
No! Two Worlds is probably one of the worst games I have ever had the unfortunate eye-stabbing brain-convulsing terror of playing. I can't begin to describe in coherent words that don't contain a plethora of swearing and profanity what an unmitigated cluster-fucking shitpile of useless game code and half-arsed art that this sorry excuse for electronic entertainment is.
It's like masturbation only done by a person who's holding your e-penis in one hand and rubbing acid-tinged lube on it with the other, all the while they're shouting quotes from 1930's Blaxsploitation movies and putting on a pair of rubber gloves covered in shards of very sharp glass wrapped in barbed wire. You just know that in a second from now they're going to put that hand where the sun doesn't shine and give your tonsils some love from beyond. Two Worlds is kind of like that in many ways.
From the first moment you see the opening cut-scene and listen to the terribly voiced dialogue you know it's time to take out the disc, catch a plane to Amsterdam and pay a high-class hooker to tread on it with her high heels whilst you videotape the whole thing to put on YouTube. It might cost a little and be somewhat excessive for a game like this but in the end, knowing that thousands of real roleplaying game fans seeing this will whoop and holler in delight is worth the cost of admission.
When you drop out of the cut-scene you are treated to the first glimpse of the game, a dark and forbidding dank and somewhat badly designed interior. It's like there's a crappy dungeon builder's team that goes around putting these things in the ground. Oh we need an evil lair, stick one over there guvnor, the trolls won't mind, they're too busy singing the praises of the game over at the Oblivion forums. After you follow a bit of a tutorial you end up fighting a couple of orc-like things and learning that combat is about as exciting as watching re-runs of a favourite TV show after having your eyes ripped out by rabid monkeys.
After you've searched the corpses of your enemies and restored most of your health, then you get the glory of being allowed outside. After the screen grinds to a halt for a bit and the door opens, you can see a wonderful vista and open-world laid out before you, the excitement mounts rather like the sound of the whirring disc in the drive before the whole game comes grinding to a halt for a few seconds whilst it argues with the CPU on how to render a tiny blade of grass and a flower.
Never the less you push on, hoping that it's going to get better. Oh, wonder by wonders, there's a pack of generic wolves over there. Here’s an idea lets go and slaughter them to increase our experience value, that'll be fun. Wait, no, they're boars and I'm almost dead. Run away, no, can't run away because the game jerks a little and one of these boars hits me from half a mile away with a sneaky boar-only Jedi bastard backstab attack.
I drink a healing potion completely by accident and flail around for a few moments, buy enough time to escape and leg it back to the safety of the slightly dodgy looking dungeon like building where I started. When I feel brave enough to return to the lands above I stride out making sure there are no hot girls looking (there are no hot girls in this, except your sister, and she's not exactly hot unless people like pale skinned zombie-Quasimodo like women in their action/RPGs.)
I approach a person who is apparently waiting for me on the road, walking up towards him I expect to be transported to a mythical world of medieval quests and adventures. Fuck that, no, Two Worlds is going to make even the dialogue and conversation system a chore for me to get through.
Two Worlds sounds like it was written by a bunch of students whose only exposure to Olde English has been from badly acted LARP characters, certain faux-medieval romance novels and terribly acted Dark Ages porn. Verily, forsooth I say it to you, prey nonnie nonnie ho what?
I kid you not.
There are far too many medieval by-words that they've lifted off the good old Bard himself than are good for a game like this. A few and it sounds all right, but every fucking few words there's a forsooth and a verily, nay and so on. It's like a fucking convention for balding playwrights descended upon the room broke out a couple of heavy duty spliffs and wrote a Midsummer Nightmare's Dream whilst completely stoned.
The voice acting is likewise terrible with each word spoken by a souless canditate for: Wall of the Year. Some walls speak their dialogue in better and more colourful ways, especially the ones covered in Graffiti.
After I've managed to get this far. I dredge through that dialogue until I can go to some fucking shitty town to get the next clue. On the way I bump into more orc-like things that kick my ass even after I level up. I resurrect at a shrine and go back to bitchslap their asses some more. I do not suck as this game, I tell you, and I'd be able to fight if it didn't turn into a slideshow at every opportunity on both the PC and the console version!!!
There are only three things that Two Worlds has going for it.
• Vaguely interesting character customisation system with skills to upgrade/tweak.
• Item creation system via alchemy and combining materials.
• The ability to upgrade weapons by clicking and dragging the weapon over the top of a green-glowing weapon or item.
That's it, that's the only thing. I mean it sounds great on the box, expansive world, blistering action and brilliant gameplay. It's the kind of dream that can only be cooked up by German PR who is off their tits on some very heavy drugs indeed. I mean I wouldn't even call this half-arsed piece of shitty code completed and the game's hit retail on several platforms now!
An open-ended expansive world that lies, not the little lies that you can blame on the dog or SO, we're talking the dirty great lies that leave your pants brimming with the kind of excrement that can only come out of the box of such a cruddy game. These are the lies that Governments tell whilst secretly they videotape you having a shit so they can see if it comes out in the colours of your Nation's flag!
I walk down the road and a minute later for about 14 seconds there's a sudden loading icon that pops up. We're not talking a little load here people we're talking a load that stops the game dead in the middle of what you're doing, if you're in combat and taking damage, it's GAME STOP FRAMERATE LOADING TIME!
I can now imagine a giant banana dancing in and singing that. Thank you very fucking much Brian from Family Guy.
Ooh YEAH oooH YEAH!
It's GAME STOP FRAMERATE LOADING TIME!!!
Yes…I'm done, I'm done with this shitty game and I'm not even going to use it as a coaster. It doesn't deserve the honour of being used to prevent my mug from scratching the wife's nice mahogany and teak coffee table. It deserves to be ground into dust and that dust deserves to be put into a furnace, that furnace loaded into another furnace and then shipped off to a secret place never to be seen again.
Either that or the game deserves to be locked away in a wooden box like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. When PR asks you 'where's the Two Worlds review' you can smile smugly and say: it's being looked at by Top Men.
Who?
Top Men…
To summarise: If the flicker-book jerky framerate and God Awful models that look as though they're not so much animated, as electrocuted weren't enough to put you off then imagine this. Two Worlds is the equivalent of sitting down for hours to watch back-to-back every film that Uwe Boll has ever made, whilst some sadistic midget in a tutu plays low pitched white-noise hissing into a pair of speakers behind you and recites every line of the game backwards.
You have been warned.
