Here be Monsters: Ye Filmes of Suckyness

[Sathanai Kiyohira]

Being a one and true account of those fylmes which in thier suckiness despoile the screens of ye hapless veiwers, that they cry out in thier woe, "by the gods, this movie sucketh!"

So, let's have your sucky films! Not ones you didn't think lived up to the hype, nor even ones that were disappointingly mediocre, but the ones that really stank. Also, why did they suck? And why and how did you end up seeing them?

Fake olde english is entirely optional, by the way

[Sus]

Cabin Fever! My god, this film got good reviews, but the only merit I could see it had was that it was absolutely hilarious from start to finish. But not because it was meant to be...

[Sontin-JudasFm]

To Die For, definitely. It was one of the 15-rated films I snuck into (I think I was about 12/13 at the time) and it was crap from start to finish. The only good part was at the very end...unfortunately it wasn't good enough to make up for the drivel that preceded it

[xmarksthespot]

Hua-hua-hua ;D - it ain't gonna get any suckier than this:

TROLL 2!

us.imdb.com/title/tt0105643/


Do you know the saying: "It's so bad it makes you laugh"?
Well, this one isn't. It is so bad, it is literally beyond funny. It's painful.
The "acting" is a joke, the story (A town is inhabited by vegetarian trolls who turn people into plants by feeding them green paint and can be fended off with hamburgers) must have been invented by a four year old, and the costumes - well: a boy standing in a bucket filled with soil and holding some greens in front of his face = person painfully turning into a plant; I think that says it all...

Please, don't watch this to make sure it really IS that bad. You'll regret it.

[Sontin-JudasFm]

I just checked that one out on IMDB...god you're right. It looks terrible Definitely one to add to this list

[g3po]

ANY movie MSTied in the 10 seasons of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

www.mst3kinfo.com/

I have only seen a few of them un-MSTied, and I have to say the worst of all time is The Castle of Fu Manchu, the only episode I don't have on tape. *cringe*

[Coolhand]

This one may well get me shot down, but ....

Bridget Jones Diary.

Once upon a time, a happy snowboarder was on a coach being ferried to his resort, where the start of his holiday awaited. The Tour Rep, who shall from here-on in be known as...
The Moron
...decided that he'd stick a DVD on to help us pass the journy time. It was indeed, BJD. I shall refer to this film only as BJD, as in it's initial-only form it sounds fittingly like some kind of lothesome deisese.
Now, I had of course heard all the hype surrounding this "blockbuster chick-flick", and was getting uneasy as titles rolled but the girls in the group assured me that it was "funny" and that "blokes" would like it "as well."

They were "lying" to me.

By the end of the movie, I was attempting to ingest my own limbs to take my mind off the horror onscreen.

I KNOW this is really subjective, and not admissible in the Court of Viable Film Opinions, but my main problem was that I HATED the lead charactor, who seems to just mope about in big pants and stupid pijama's, getting wasted on vodka, falling over at "cute" moments and generaly being pathetic and feeble. Never before have I had such an adverse reaction to a fictional charactor. It was something of a revelation.

It wasn't that I found her a little annoying.

It wasn't that I found her irrirtating.

It was simply that I wanted to rip out her spine and beat her to death with the sharp end.

I like lead charactors I can sympathise with, or want to be, or, even if they are evil, flawed anti-heros, LIKE in a certain "you're cool but I'm glad I don't know you" kind of way.

As you can probably guess, old Bridget fell a tad short in this department.

Yes, I'm sure it was well acted. Yes, I'm sure it was well directed. Yes, I'm sure than many people loved it and cherish thier DVD copy, and all the best to them.


But when the lead charactor has the same effect on you as nails scraped down a chalk-board, you're chances of enjoying a film plummit like a concrete parachute.

And now they're bringing out a sequal. Sob.

I guess I'm just not a part of thier target demographic...

[Deimos]

I've got a tie here....

The Stupids was one of the (no, make that the) dumbest films I have ever seen. OK, so it's never going to be an epic blockbuster with a name like that but COME ON! Even Mr. Bean was better acted (and was funnier). Think Mr.Bean/Mr. Magoo crossbred with a healthy load of rubbish and then inexplicably throw in a badly-animated CGI dog for 'humour' as a family pet. That's The Stupids. And it is. Very.

Secondly, Reign of Fire. It appears that I've been labouring under the misapprehension that an action film has to have exciting action scenes in it. Far from the dragon vs. helicopter combat-fest of aerial destruction and annihilation that the trailer promised, it was dull, dull, dull and dull. I think there were about three dragons in the whole film (apart from the ones in the background that did nothing). Even the acting skills of Christian Bale couldn't save this one - the crappy dialogue and even worse acting from other cast members made sure of that. Plus I can't stand Cockney accents.

Deimos

[TrentPraeger]

24 Hours In London
Tokyo Raiders
Silent Trigger

Three "action" movies......gah.......utter bullshite.

[TreadXSoftly]

Hilarious review, coolhand. Chick flicks sucks big donkey balls. ;D


The last time I watched a horrible movie was Brotherhood of the wolf. My god, this was a train wreck.

[Darkside Cleric]

I think that the Tupac movie is going to be horrible, I mean, just from seeing the previews... it seems like it's going to be a cheezy memory trip about his life... grrgh.

[pyro]

TreadXSoftly said:

The last time I watched a horrible movie was Brotherhood of the wolf. My god, this was a train wreck.

ar you serious? ::falls out of chair::

[TheKaiser]

Brotherhood of the Wolf is by no means a trainwreck. In fact its probably one of the better multi-genre films out there.

As for sucky films, I tend to avoid them usually. However Lately, I've found myself seeing more and more of them. I wonder if its my judgement or just Hollywood producing worse and worse movies. These are some recent films that I hated:
-Charlies Angels
-Black Knight
-The Phantom Menace
-Attack of the Clones
-Once Upon A Time In Mexico (sorry ClericRyan)
-Halloween: Resurrection
-Pearl Harbour

[MisterAnderson]

Brotherhood of the Wolf was OK in my books too....anytime you get to see Monica Belushi "in the flesh" is alright in my books

Worst movie of all time? I have trouble rembering the bad ones as I try to shut them out off my memory (no use in wasting prescious mental capacity on lemons)...but there is one that burned itself into my mind....

Shaft

Its a terrible film, with some of the worst acting I've ever seen (can't remember how bad C.Bale was in it though as Sam Jackson performance in that was monumentally bad). And the script looked like it had been written by a 6 year old....the only good thing about it is the theme music.

[TreadXSoftly]

Guest-TheKaiser said:

Brotherhood of the Wolf is by no means a trainwreck. In fact its probably one of the better multi-genre films out there.

Hm, interesting. Did I even watch the same movie? Maybe I got a fucked-up bootlegg copy or something. ;D Vincent Cassell was awesome though.

[Sontin-JudasFm]

Guest-TheKaiser said:

-The Phantom Menace

Funny you should say that; I'm an avid Star Wars fan and so rushed to see this when it was first released and like a lot of people, I was pretty disappointed. I wouldn't say it was bad enough to be included in this list, but I got the feeling I was watching a good attempt by a fan to recreate the original Star Wars. It just lacked the sparkle of the first three for me

[pyro]

bad action movies ive recently seen
balistic: ecks vs sever
death machine
bugs

biggest disappointment ever
matrix reloaded

[Deimos]

Saw LXG last night. Talk about ridiculous... I won't post spoilers here, but suffice to say that I was unaware of the technological aptitude of people in 1899. Stereotypical characters, weak plot, and I felt no attachment to the characters. Except Dorian Gray. He ruled...

Deimos

[Cleric]

Pearl Harbour - stands to be THE worst movie I have EVER had the displeasure of shelling my $$ out to get a ticket for. It stands as the ONLY movie I have ever actualy fallen asleep while watching in the movie theatre.

The Cell - Not even the great looking and "hubba hubba" quality of Jenifer Lopez in scenes with skin tight leather could have saved this movie. It looked promissing at the start but it was ALL down hill from there.

Shakespear In Love- a TRAVESTY in film making. I submit a quote a screen writer gave as to why he voted for THIS drivel to be voted "Best Picture" instead of Saving Private Ryan.

"I felt that they should have had more action in the begining scenes, like planes bombing the beaches as the troops landed at Normandy"

The people who vote for the Academy Awards are FRIKEN IDIOTS! I rest my case!

[corinthian]

Deimos said:

Saw LXG last night. Talk about ridiculous... I won't post spoilers here, but suffice to say that I was unaware of the technological aptitude of people in 1899. Stereotypical characters, weak plot, and I felt no attachment to the characters. Except Dorian Gray. He ruled...

Deimos

Heh, ironically, you like one of the items that wasn't in the original comic.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen ( I hate that the studio abbreviated it to LXG, like they were trying to confuse people with the big X in X-men) is based on a comic that is set on earth, but in an alternate universe. Remember, these are fictional characters that are appearing here.

Dorian Gray, while cool as played by Stuart Townsend, was not a character in the series. Neither was Tom Sawyer. Dorian Gray is from the play by Oscar Wilde, and Tom Sawyer was added to appeal more to American audiences. At least, that is what they said...but I can't remember seeing any promos that mentioned who he was...he was always the young blonde guy driving the car and irritating Sean Connery.

The movie could have been a lot better, but I don't think it was nearly bad as the reviews made it out to be.

[Deimos]

corinthian said:

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is based on a comic that is set on earth, but in an alternate universe. Remember, these are fictional characters that are appearing here.

Yes they're fictional, and the very idea of them teaming up is farcical, but I did at least expect *some* realism. Like... SPOILER... That guy in the metal suit with the flamethrower - what happens to metal when you heat it. And the Invisible Man walking around naked in the snow in Mongolia - he'd be dead in minutes!

Dorian Gray, while cool as played by Stuart Townsend, was not a character in the series. Neither was Tom Sawyer. Dorian Gray is from the play by Oscar Wilde, and Tom Sawyer was added to appeal more to American audiences. At least, that is what they said...but I can't remember seeing any promos that mentioned who he was...he was always the young blonde guy driving the car and irritating Sean Connery.

Dorian Gray ranks as one of my all-time favourite literary characters (joining such luminaries as Bernard Cornwell's Sharpe and Milton's Satan...) and I was really pleased to see him portrayed in the way I always imagined him. Don't get me started on Tom Sawyer - such a feeble attempt to appeal to the American market. Does including an American character really make Americans like films more? I thought they had more sense than that.

The movie could have been a lot better, but I don't think it was nearly bad as the reviews made it out to be.

I'll grudgingly concede that it had its moments (just not enough of them).

Also, Cleric, I agree whole-heartedly with you on the Pearl Harbor thing. Fortunately, I never paid to see it - it was an in-flight movie on my holiday last year - but there's two hours of my life I'd like back

I really enjoyed Shakespeare in Love - it was very witty in places and the idea of 'Romeo and Ethel the Pirate's Daughter' just cracked me up.

Deimos

[MAX]

A movie called: 'WARNINGS'.
Some directors should be shot at birth.
Nuff said.

[BMaloney]

I just saw the irony of watching a movie that involves aerial fights and suicide-fighters on an airplane.