One-line groaners!

[Lightfighter]

This one is great!

A blind man enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"

The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of the man says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that the bartender is a blonde woman, the bouncer is a blonde woman, the woman on your left is blonde and a professional wrestler, I'm a six foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate, and the woman next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

"Nah," says the man. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times."

[Lightfighter]

A blonde was on vacation in Florida trying to find a pair of alligator boots to give her best friend back home. She had heard her best friend talking about them, and knew she really wanted a pair. Finally finding a pair she thought her friend would like, she was upset when she got to the checkout and discovered she did not have enough money to buy them. Being resourceful, she decided she wouldn't give up and had an idea of how she could get some alligator boots for her friend. Three hours later she had to admit defeat, however, as the fourth alligator she found and shot dead had already lost his alligator boots, too.

[Lightfighter]

A blonde was suspected of cheating on her 8th grade final exams. The teacher brought her to the front of the room and told to sit and stay quiet while he proceeded to mangle her test.
As he did this, the blonde started to laugh. Getting even more furious, he threw the test on the ground and stomped up and down on it leaving foot prints on several ripped pages. The blonde laughed even louder. He was livid, finally taking her test and shredding it. Now, the blonde was laughing uproariously.

The teacher, somewhat more calm but still red looked over and asked, "What's so funny?"

"While you weren't looking, I stood up three times."

[Lightfighter]

A blonde was shopping when she found a really striking stainless steel thermos. Fascinated, she picked it up examined it, and finally asked the clerk what it was.
"It's a thermos," he said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold."
That was all she needed to hear, and she bought the thermos.
The next day, her boss saw the thermos on her desk, as it really was rather striking.
"What's that?" her boss asked.
"It's a thermos." she said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold."
"What have you got in it?" her boss queried after a moment.
She happily answered, "I have hot coffee in it for a little later this morning, and really cold iced tea for this afternoon."

[Lightfighter]

My wife told me this one!

On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilot said, "Let me try." He went up to the blonde and politely tried to explain to her why she needed to return to her seat in economy class.

But the blonde only replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." Frustrated, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit. He suggested that perhaps they should have the airline call the police and have her arrested when they land.

"Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear.

"I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class.

"What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot.

To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago."

[Aedh]

A good cartoon!

[Lightfighter]

I just caught a glimpse of a Chuck Norris classic, 'Lone Wolf McQuaid, and I just couldn't resist.

Chuck Norris jokes, engage!

-Chuck Norris doesn't feel pain, pain feels Chuck Norris
-Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards but Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even farther
-Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

[Lightfighter]

More Chuck Norris!

-Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls he walks through.
-Goku did achieve a level beyond "Super Saiyan 4"....it is known as going "Chuck Norris"
-"Between a rock and a hard place" refers to Chuck Norris' fists

[Lightfighter]

Yes! Chuck Norris!

-You don't find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris finds you.
-Chuck Norris flosses with a chainsaw blade.
-When the Bogeyman goes to bed at night, he looks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

[Lightfighter]

Yep, you guessed it. If you don't laugh, Chuck Norris will get you.

-Contrary to popular belief, there is one thing faster then the speed of light, Chuck Norris' foot.
-There is no Godzilla, Chuck Norris’s pet iguana got loose and decided to attack Japan.
-All the "Most Interesting Man in the World" facts are really Chuck Norris' Memoirs.

[Aedh]

Here are a few I like.

1. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

2. Aliens do exist. But they won't invade a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

3. The three leading causes of death in the United States are: heart disease, Chuck Norris, and cancer.

4. Einstein's theory of relativity proves that Chuck Norris really can roundhouse kick you into last week.

5. The iTunes Store pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

[Lightfighter]

Here's some more, for Chuck!

-Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
-Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
-Chuck Norris won the Superbowl, NBA Finals, Stanley Cup, and the World Series all in the same year... alone.

[Aedh]

It was the first day on the new route for the bus driver, who was a thin, geeky guy. At one stop he pulled up, and a huge, brutish man clambered on board. He passed the fare box with a grunt, "Big Louie don't pay," and went straight to a seat.

This continued for several days, and over time the driver grew to resent Big Louie's attitude. Everyone else had to pay, so why should this lummox get away with riding free? He resolved to change matters, and began to learn martial arts in the evenings. A vacation came, during which time he worked with a trainer and power-pumped at the gym every day.

Finally, with muscle where there had once been only skin and bone, the driver looked forward to meeting up with Big Louie. At the same stop, when the hulking passenger boarded and said, "Big Louie don't pay," the driver this time stood up and boldly said: "Oh? Why not?"

For an answer the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of plastic. "'Cause Big Louie gotta bus pass."

[Aedh]

A married couple once received two theatre tickets as an anniversary gift, deposited through the mail slot in an envelope with a mysterious note that said: "Happy anniversary from ... guess who?" Puzzled, they called around to all their family and friends, but no one would admit to sending the tickets. They decided to go to the show, and had a wonderful time.

When they returned, they found their house had been burgled. On the doormat was an envelope with a note that said: "Now you know."

[Aedh]

A teacher, reviewing history, asked her students: "Class, can anyone tell me what the ruler of Imperial Russia was called?"

One hand went up. "The Czar."

"Very good. Now, what was his wife called?"

Another hand. "The Czarina."

"Excellent. And now, can anyone tell me what their children were called?"

There was no hand, but a timid voice piped up: "Czardines?"

[Aedh]

A customer at a restaurant once angrily summoned the waiter: "Look at the size of this steak!" he complained. "It's puny! The last time I ate here I ordered the same entree and the steak was twice as big as this!"

"Last time, sir? Where did you sit?"

"Over there, next to the window," said the man. "What's that got to do with it?"

"Everything," replied the waiter. "We always serve larger portions to the window seats. It's good advertising."

[Aedh]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband: "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Aedh]

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "... it's in the Prophecy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Check out a mystery/suspense novel from the library and write the surprise ending on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

[Aedh]

A middle-aged man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a teenaged boy came over and sat down on the other end of the bench. The boy's hair was spiked, colored yellow, green, orange, and purple, and he had black makeup around his eyes. The man just stared at him.

Finally, irritated, the boy asked: "What's the matter? Haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The man answered: "Actually, I was recalling the time I was on leave from the Army, went on an almighty three-day bender, and wound up falling madly in love a female who later turned out to be a parrot. I was wondering if you could be my son."

[Aedh]

A new Facebook app for iPhone was recently launched whose function is to tell people what they were doing exactly one year ago from any given moment. Unfortunately it has not been popular since the only result it ever seems to give is: Staring at Facebook.

[Aedh]

A man once went to New York to audition for a TV talent show. When his turn came, the producer asked him: "And what do you do?"

"I imitate birds," replied the hopeful.

"Bird imitators are a dime a dozen!" snapped the producer. "On your way, loser." Disappointed, the man opened a window, stepped out onto the ledge, started flapping his arms, and flew off into the sunset.

[Aedh]

Two monks were out walking in the Indian jungle one day, and one of them saw a tiger some distance off. He tugged at his brother's sleeve, indicated the predator, and asked: "Should we run, or not?"

The second monk replied: "No, we will not run. God will protect us. This is a test of faith."

"Perhaps," replied the first monk nervously. "But what if the tiger's faith is stronger than ours?"

[BlackDragon]

Sept 16, 2011 23:36:48 GMT -5 Aedh said:

Two monks were out walking in the Indian jungle one day, and one of them saw a tiger some distance off. He tugged at his brother's sleeve, indicated the predator, and asked: "Should we run, or not?"

The second monk replied: "No, we will not run. God will protect us. This is a test of faith."

"Perhaps," replied the first monk nervously. "But what if the tiger's faith is stronger than ours?"

Nice one

[Aedh]

An older woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist: "I want you to add a diamond necklace and earrings, an emerald bracelet, and a ruby pendant to the picture."

The artist said: "You're not wearing any of those things." The woman replied: "No. I don't even own them."

"Why do you want to be painted wearing them, then?"

She replied: "Because if I die before my husband, I know he'll take in his girfriend, and I want her to go crazy looking for them."

[Aedh]

Q: What do you do if you see a spaceman?

A: Park your car in it, dude!

[Aedh]

A traveling salesman once stopped at a general store in a backwoods New England village. Several old-timers were seated on the front porch, and one called out a number, "Forty-one," and they all had a laugh. After a minute or two, another said: "Thirty-seven," which brought knowing chuckles. Fascinated, the salesman sat down too, and after several more of these, he asked one old man quietly, "What is going on here, if I may ask?"

The old man replied: "Well, we've been here all our lives, and we all know each other so well that all our jokes have numbers. When we want to tell a joke, all we have to do is say the number."

"I'd like to have a try," said the salesman. "What's a really good one?" The old man thought for a moment, and replied: "If I were you, I'd go for seventy-four."

"Okay," said the salesman, and after a pause, he called: "Seventy-four!" He was met by stony silence all around. He looked at his advisor. "I thought you said seventy-four was a good one!"

"It is," grunted the old-timer. "Some people just don't know how to tell 'em."